Sunday, May 11, 2014

a special mothers day.

It was a cold dusty stage. My pink satin ballet slippers were snug tightly on my little toes. In front of me, an empty floor with a table and two or three chairs.

Faces that were unfamiliar to me. Eyes that were there to watch me. People who were only there to tell me whether I could or couldn't. Whether or not I was good enough.

I wasn't naturally an extrovert. My inherent choice of movement at a time like this was to run away to a place of comfort. Even at that young age, I could feel the sting of judgment and the threat of rejection. If I didn't go through with it, I would never know and never have to feel that pain.

I was by far the youngest and by far the least experienced. Why was I standing there?

Panic began to take over. I immediately thought--retreat.

But as I turned around, there she was. She told me she loved me, that she should would be proud of me no matter what...

and then with that comforting smile that only she could give, she hugged me and said, "Just smile, do your best and show them who you are."

It was a semi-filled room in a Holiday Inn convention room downtown. The carpet was brightly colored and it smelled like chlorine from the pool down the hall.

A single, very lonely microphone stand stood up at the front. Very few items of d├ęcor. Just some metal folding chairs and a table covered with ribbons and awards.

There I was, again facing my fears. A room of random folks that I didn't know. There to listen and judge my written words.

I was no Jane Austen or William Shakespeare. Of course not. I knew that. Why was I there? The others should win. They were better, more refined...more experienced.

Standing up to the microphone, I felt that same familiar panic--wanting to retreat and head for the hills.

But to my relief, I looked up into the audience and was greeted by that same comforting smile.

That one that only she could give.

I could hear her words. Telling me to remember how talented I was and that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, only what I think of myself. Her sweet words saying that I could do anything I wanted to do--pushing me to be the best I could be.

To overcome my fears.

It was a humid Hawaiian morning. It was my first long period of time away from home. My first semester of college. My first experience being truly on my own.

As beautiful as the scenery was, I found myself struggling with the distance. I felt weak and alone.

I walked from my dorm to the eatery only to be haunted by an old friend...

Panic. Retreat.

I looked around, wishing that somehow...magically...her smiling face would appear and tell me that everything was going to be alright.

Before going inside, I picked up my cell phone and dialed her number. Her voice answered with a cheerful and excited hello.

It was like she knew exactly what I needed. I didn't even have to say much. She started telling me some stories about her week. We laughed at some comical moments, and then at the end of the conversation she made sure to remind me...

"Keen," she said (oh nickname is keen for those of you that don't know) "you're doing great. Don't worry or give up. You'll make friends and I just know you'll love your time out there. Just smile and be yourself."

I smiled, told her I loved her, and went into the eatery.

Maybe it's the fact that in about 7 1/2 weeks I will be a first time mommy to a little girl...or maybe it's just the overall pregnancy hormones...or perhaps it's that I have been feeling so grateful for the support and love of family over the past few months...
...whatever it is, this Mother's Day has meant so much to me.
I think about the never-ending support my mother has shown me my whole whole 25 years of existence. Never once has she ever made me feel like I couldn't do something. To this day, I'm pretty sure she has more faith in me than I have in myself.
Through my highs and my lows, she has been there. Through the tears and the laughs, she has stood by my side.
She is the best lunch & shopping date, a hilarious BYU women's conference buddy, and most-of-all, she is one of my very best friends. 
From running half marathons, to up-and-moving myself to San Francisco....
She has been there for me. 110%.
Waiting for congratulate me in moments of victory and pick-me-up in times of trial and panic.
Always with that sweet, loving smile. The one that only she can give.
I love her with all my heart, and I can only hope I am at least a fraction of the mom she was for me and my siblings.

Love you shell-bell.

Monday, August 19, 2013

throwing it back: the city and my fear of settling

moving day
The day I moved to San Francisco—this picture is worth so many thousands of words.
It’s tough to even know where to begin.
The impact of this moment in time almost leaves me unable to breath—and to think I captured it with a single picture. Most of you already know the tale, but for those of you that don’t, I moved to the city of San Francisco, CA from Salt Lake City, UT early in 2012.
It had been months in the works—overall it was the solution to a problem of being extremely unsatisfied with my life and in desperate need to change. Change what? I wasn’t sure. Something. Anything. But mainly, me—not loving who I had allowed myself to become.
I wasn’t satisfied with the life I had created for myself. It was mediocre at best, and I couldn’t stand the thought of settling. Settling for life. A life that I knew could be more.
I was haunted by the idea of settling for a husband that wasn’t 100% meant for me, terrified of settling for a job that just got me through the days paying the bills, nauseated over the idea of settling with little-to-no adventure…all because I was afraid. Afraid of taking a risk, afraid of leaving the bubble, afraid of leaving my past and definitely afraid of failing.
After being in and out of relationships, suffocated by a little college bubble-town that I won’t name, and escaping a culture that as much as I loved, knew was harming me more than helping—so there I stood in front of a u-haul truck, hugging my family, freezing in the icy winter wind, and ready to go—knowing it was for good.
At this moment, I felt some new exhilarating spark within me.
An adjective—an emotion—that I had always blindly assumed I had in me but hadn’t felt in a long long time.
Bravery to let go of the parts of my life I didn’t want & didn’t need.
As many of us know, that’s a hard thing to do—much more difficult than it sounds. And to be honest with you, I’ve never been good at it. I’m stubborn & I don’t gracefully stumble—I fall heavy and damn hard at that. Always believing that I can make sense of any mess or fix any broken relationship. Unwilling to let go of something I was convinced should be mine.
And on this cold February day—I was letting go.
This whole change, move, quest—whatever-it-was—was all me. There was a lot of risk involved. All cards laid out on the table. No help from my parents—no money that I hadn’t earned myself and no plan I hadn’t made on my own. And I knew that I had no one but myself and my Father in Heaven to fall back on. There was only one option—to let go of the things keeping me stagnate and move forward.
Little did I know, that letting go would change my life forever.
I’ve talked to my husband about this moment in time—about the sudden spark of bravery I felt during that period of my life. I never once cried—not once—and I’m a crier people! I enjoy a solid teary meltdown from time to time, but from the moment I hopped into that moving van, no tears were shed. Scared out of my mind, but confident in that step forward.
--and I know that wasn’t all me. Because trust me—Kris alone is not that brave.
I know that a very loving Father in Heaven was watching me, knowing that this move was something I needed more than anything. Probably disappointed in some of the decisions I had made but caring SO much for my happiness that he filled me with courage, drive, and intense amounts of bravery.
Though underserving, I know that the He was by my side the entire way.
Weeks passed, I had never felt so alive, so beautiful or so able. I was welcomed by some of the most lovely, charming, and intelligent people I had ever known.
Suddenly, I felt like myself—the me that I always knew was there. The me that I used to know as a child, as I explored through the banks of the stream that ran by our house and along the yards of the chapel.
During those summer months, life was so full of mystery, imagination, and potential. It’s like I understood who I was—a fourth grade girl with crooked glasses, a deep passion for writing mystery novels, and endless dreams of my future adventures.
Somewhere along the way, I lost that girl and lost my way. And apparently that freezing cold, homeless over-run city of San Francisco was my ticket back.
And it was at this time of my life, somewhere in between breathing in that pacific air as I rode my bike over the golden gate bridge and eating one of the best Reuben Sandwiches I’ve ever had in my life —I became me again. 100% me. Seriously, you can read about the infatuation here.
and boom—enter @robc123.
That was God’s cue I guess. Kris is finally in a good place, I think it’s time.
We were an instagram couple from the start. Robert’s good friend gave him a ‘shout-out’ on one of my early instagram posts while in the city—awkwardly tagging his name in a comment left on one of my photos. And honestly, I didn’t know his friend all that well either, but thank heavens his social media game is consistently on point because it’s making ish happen (thanks muffin)
Soon after, we were introduced in person. A few weeks after that, we were on our first date…and the rest…you all know. If not, read about it here. And even if you already know, feel free to read it again. I may be biased, but it’s a pretty damn good story. Romantic as hell and hopeless from the get-go.
 Romantic as hell & hopeless from the get-go.
See. Right there. That’s what I always wanted. That’s what I had dreamed of as that little 4th grade girl playing adventure in those woods. Something magical.
Something that would sincerely take my breath away. A life with possibility and air to fill your aching lungs—and a relationship with no games, no hidden emotions, no side-giggs, and no settling. We were 110% crazy about each other from the beginning, and that love gets crazier by the day. Just like I had prayed and longed for.
I remember a moment, that day I hopped into that u-haul—I had this thought. That for the first time, in an extremely long time—I had a fresh start.
No ex-boyfriends to fall back on, no predicting what housing complex I could move into after my progression from King Henry, to Belmont, to Arlington, and absolutely no clue what was going to happen next. Out of my comfort zone and into the unknown.
Why? Because I had finally learned to let go.
And that—that right there—is what it takes to never settle. Because it’s when you can’t let go, that you end up stuck. And to all of y’all that ever entertain these thoughts. Thoughts of needing more and feeling like you’re allowing yourself to settle—DON’T.
Borrow some bravery like I did and head out on a new adventure. And not just a trip to SoCal or a steamy weekend to Lake Powell with the in-crowd. Something real. Something substantial. Something that may change you as a person—forever. It may be moving countries, states or zip codes.
It may be pushing for that new job that you want so badly but feel intimidated by. It may be mending relationships that have been left broken or wanting.
And it may not necessarily lead to your dream man/woman but it will lead you to a better place. A place where you can feel confident about your abilities and happy with who you are.
It just takes a little bit of bravery.
“One new perception, one fresh thought, one act of surrender, one change of heart, one leap of faith, can change your life forever.” Robert Holden
my valentine 5My valentine 6IMG_0972IMG_9000

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

i have a new blog.
and i'm really very excited about it. 

hop on over and tell me what you think.


Friday, November 2, 2012


i can imagine it quite clearly.

a little fireball of a child. restless. adventurous. full of contagious energy. dark brown hair, eager eyes, and a heart of pure gold.

one-hundred and five percent boy. through and through. this little guy is all male--down to the bone. dreaming of football. crushing all things crush-able.  rolling around in dirt for no apparent reason. and constantly building shiz--only to crush it too.

a little boy with a whole world of possibilities ahead of him. and the god-given ability to seize any and all of it--if he so chooses.

i can imagine it.

a teen now. same dark hair, beautiful eyes eager with passion and intellect. living the story of an american teenage  boy.

star on his high school football team. living the dream of his younger years. hanging with his buds and dating the pretty brunette on the cheer squad.

winner of 'most handsome' in his class. and voted on as homecoming king. just being what an eighteen year-old should be.  living like a teenage boy does--with fairly consistent trips to the emergency room, too many stitches to count, and the ongoing belief that he is truly invincible.

and that heart.

that perfect heart of his. the one of pure, radiant gold. so steadfast and solid. beating with the sole purpose of giving and receiving love.

i can imagine him.

that college guy. handsome with his dark hair, now cut a little shorter. eyes still bright and eager. anxious for experience. now dressed in full football uniform. standing in the stadium that he sat in so many times as a kid. the one he dreamed of all his life.

living off of cans of tuna, mac & cheese and protein powder--college life. working when he had the time. keeping himself awake through that early class. and getting that phone number of the pretty girl he saw at lunch.

he does like most college guys do--

unsure of his future, but confident that he will find a way to be the man he desires to be.

and now, i see that man.

that same dark hair and eager eyes.

eyes that i trust. that i look to for comfort and guidance. a man that now stands by my side on the bad days and the good. who holds me for no reason at all--other than to show me his love. a man that has taken those endless opportunities the world has offered him and continues to utilize them--one day at a time.

a humble, brilliant, protective man.

who respects his father and loves his mother just like a boy should. who cheers on his football team, no matter where in the world he has to internet-stream the game from.

business man. husband. brother. example. spontaneous  traveler. seeker of weird-foreign foods, and the best friend a girl could ever have.

a heart of pure gold. and so much love to give.

that's my husband.

happy birthday ron-dawg.

love you forever.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

an absolute.

and for me, this meant finding my best friend.
the love of my life.

"i started my life with a single absolute:
that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values,
and never to be given up to a lesser standard,
no matter how long or hard the struggle."
ayn rand

Monday, August 6, 2012


i never believed in soul-mates.

okay, maybe not never. there was probably a time when i was a young, bright-eyed-princess-dreaming little girl that i may have believed in such things. scheming up scenarios involving prince charming and his white stallion. coveting after all the outfits and glass slippers he came with in the disney-barbie-princess-party-set.

suspicious, really. 'prince charming' looked a lot like the ken doll (to-this-day i can't figure out why the mattel/disney design peeps couldn't get more creative with the male dolls)

but time quickly taught me otherwise.

i firmly believed that there were many men out there that could be a match for me. and held that same standard and formula for everyone.

hearing anyone mention the notion of being 'meant for each other' was slightly uncomfortable for me. i looked at it as naive and dangerous. because in my mind, the idea of soul-mates was more of just a fantastical concept born of old-school, fictional romanticism.

just a pleasant thought really. or a simple dream to let myself dream of on those nights when i needed to renew my faith in the whole idea of love and marriage.


nah, i never believed it.

until him. 

finding myself in a new, slightly-frightening but overly exhilarating place was life-changing in and of itself. i was absolutely engulfed in a heated romance with a new city, fresh people, and a mindset of utter freedom.

people became more than just a figure. or a resume. or a potential suitor.

they became individuals with stories, experience and gifts to offer society. i was blown away by how different my views on living had become.

expecting nothing from others, i refused to 'sum' them up, and embraced each and every one of them for their beauty, quirkiness, and edge.

god had given me a unique opportunity.

i didn't plan on wasting it.

in my fury of absorbing everything and anything--on a rather ordinary san francisco evening--after being teased by the co-workers for actually putting on make-up and doing my hair in a way that didn't involve a padre's cap--- i found myself walking out of our office building on 5th and market, turning the corner into a small city alleyway, and watching his tall frame step out of that black bmw.

we had met before, but just briefly.

his features were striking. more-so than i remembered.

greeting me with one of the most charming and inviting smiles i had ever known, he politely opened my door and gestured for me to slide in.

thank you. i managed to say in a nonchalant, but aggressively-flirtatious way.

i remember that moment. the smell. the feeling. new car. new person. new experience.

first date.

oh, the memory is so clear.

like yesterday. like a beautiful, perfect yesterday.

the cafe on knob hill seemed smaller than it actually was.

the host led us past the front room, which consisted of a sleek wine-bar. lined--that wednesday evening--with several hump day dreamers just passing off on the american dream. elegant wine goblets set in front of them.

our waiter directed us to a back room and seated us at a quaint table. barely large enough for two. placed next to a window. the city was lovely that night. a cold, but calm evening. no fog or homeless in site (rare for san francisco)

the scene was damn close to perfect.

had i somehow fallen into one of those cheesy romance-easy-reads that i'd often buy in airports during-delayed-layover-desperation but secretly really enjoyed?

the kind with the tall, dark handsome man with the career and personality that no one could resist. the ones that you scorned at for being fictional?

the dream continued as we began our first dinner chat.

his face was new to me. a beautiful new.

i observed, mesmerized and intrigued as he talked about his job, traveling, living in the city--making fun of himself as he shared stories that made me laugh and fall hard for his sincere, eager eyes.

he put me at ease.

i talked too. open and honest. unguarded. extremely uncharacteristic for me. rare that a stranger could make me feel so at home.

who was this man? where had he been all my life? (cue rihanna)

this handsome face. sweet nature. and protective instincts.

hell, it didn't take a lot for him to rope me in.


the night ended with a sweet and perfect kiss. and believe me, giddy doesn't even begin to adequately describe the state i found myself in as i snuggled into bed that night. it was a new feeling. something i truly had never felt before.

a feeling of ease. of not being afraid. a feeling of being completely 100% me. and be loved for it. a feeling of confidence in what the future held. all mixed into one, warm and whimsical emotion.

from that night on, we struggled being apart.

some would call that first date a success.

others might say it was a truly fortunate coincidence. a matter of being in the right time. in the right place. with the right people.

and though i agree with all these things, i believe it was much, much more.

divine perhaps.


heaven's plan for two individuals, destined to be together. in a time when they were both ready, willing and anxious.

even, soul-mates.

so, there you are. hella chessy and eatin' my own words. i've officially made a full circle from those early days of playing with prince-charming-barbie-ken and dreaming of that one-and-only.

thirty-two slow dances and two-thousand and fifty-six i love you's later (i guesstimated on those), i found myself standing on a bridge. a ceiling of lights strung above me. in one of my favorite places on earth-- with him.

my soul-mate.

'i left my heart in san francisco' playing in the background.

tears. inevitable.

my best friend. the love of my life. my reason.

the man that exceeded all of my expectations and trumped over anything i have ever dreamt up on my own or read in a some cheesy romance novel.

kneeling right there in front of me.

marry me?

finding that one may be a matter of the right time. and having the right mindset. being ready in a certain phase of life.

if you're like me, it will go against all other plans previously made.

but when that moment of clarity comes, it should be easy. it shouldn't be a fight, toss-up, or guessing game. it should be a fact. like so many people had told me over the years--when you know, you truly do know. it won't be a question.

and though i know it works differently for everyone, i truly believe that last statement.

with all of my heart.

whether it's a foggy west-coast city full of kookie-ass people. or just down the street from the home you've always known.

it'll be that one.

the one you choose to love forever.

your soul-mate.

He is exactly the poem I wanted to write." - Mary Oliver

Friday, July 6, 2012

a delayed flight.

i'm saying it now. in hopes that i don't jinx myself. 

i plan on having a daughter.

and yes, like many females--i have a list of names that i believe will suit her well (and though i would not classify my list as 'trendy' or 'weird'--i do have some 'different' name selections that i'm very much in love with it).

and i won't deny the fact that i do have outfits from the zara toddler line that i dream of clothing her in, and already know i will love her with every ounce of devotion and possessiveness my 5'3" frame can hold.

and every now and again--on no particular day or time--walking downtown on sunny san francisco days, cuddled up on the sofa watching a tv fave, or while wandering down the hair supply aisle at target-- i think about this beautiful little creature of my future. 

her eyes will be strong. and determined. just like her dad's.

feminine and proud. like her mom.

she'll love fairytales and have a wild, ridiculous imagination. she'll dream of growing up, of moving to a city, becoming a designer or a teacher or a doctor or a dolphin trainer...and of falling hopelessly in love. 

and just like my parents did--i'll let her dream, but teach her to embrace and build-upon reality.

i pray she'll grow up slow. and that as she does, she'll be intelligent and have the savvy-street-smarts that her parents raised her to have.

yes, i think about her beautiful smile. and how protective her father will be as he waits up for her to return from her first prom.

and sometimes, i pray for her. especially on days when the world overwhelms me.

weird? maybe.

but i do. 

i think about things.

things that scare the hell out of me. things that piss off the feisty-woman inside of me (definitely get that from shell-bell) and things that i love--that bring me so much joy for her. 

and as i do, i allow my obsessive-compulsive-self to mentally keep a list.

a list. of so many, many things i want to teach her. that i'd like for her to know. 

things like--find a good hairstylist that you like and stick with them, always try to keep some midol and/or tylenol on hand at all times, allow yourself some dark chocolate on a daily basis (good for the soul) and never-ever-ever over pluck your eyebrows.

you know. just the basics of growing up female.

...allow yourself a good cry from time to time. don't be ashamed to go see a sappy love flick by yourself. shave your whole leg (not just the bottom half. pleeeease. yuck. i mean seriously, no one wants a sneak peak of your upper leg when it's in all-nat-u-ral mode) and one of the more important ones--find your best friends and keep them close. you'll want them around.


but more than that...

i want to teach her about how blessed she is to be a woman. i want her to never doubt in who she is, in what she is capable of, and in what she is worth. 

she will be beautiful. strong. sensitive. sarcastic. loving. 

and 100% her. 

there will--without fail--be moments, days, and even weeks when she'll feel inadequate. 

'the-prone-to-feel-inadequate" gene is somehow just a part of being female. yeah, it sucks. but whatev.

and i'm not going to pretend like my little girl will never experience such feelings. because there will be days, days of forgetting who she is--when she'll want to plaster on the make-up thicker, wear something just a little-bit-sluttier, and put on 'the act' that the boys seem to like. 

oh-do-i-hate 'the act'. and i can only pray that she will too.

because she'll have mornings when the mirror will tell her she's not skinny enough. nights when punk-ass boys will break her heart. and then there will be times when she'll break theirs. 

little heartbreaker. 

times when chemistry 101 will convince her she isn't smart enough. and when not making the varsity team or getting that one job she really wanted will pick away at her confidence.

and of course, my little girl will make mistakes. she'll be her mothers daughter--so yes, obviously she'll be learning by default at times--okay, a lot of the times.

perfection is not expected. experience will be bitter/sweet. and she'll be stronger for it. 

she'll learn, recoup and move forward. 

one day, she'll be sitting in an airport. headed home to see her family. and attend her sisters wedding.

it will be busy. her flight will be cancelled and delayed.

again and again.

she'll realize that twenty-four years of life have now passed on by. she'll understand and have accepted that many mistakes have been made and many more are yet to come...

by now she is starting to understand herself.

her beliefs. her values. the truth behind the facades of the world. what she will and will not compromise on. and what she desires of her future.

she knows the pains of loss. the sting of grief. and the ache of a broken heart.

and on the contrary--she'll know the joy found in true accomplishment, the gratitude taught from life experience, and the absolute heaven-on-earth-and-beyond-your-wildest-dreams-kind-of-happiness brought to this world by sincere, honest love.

realizing that all those childish dreams--dreams she had of moving to a city, having a career, hailing a cab in the rain, and finding someone to love forever--have already come true.

she'll hop on the plane.

and head across the open skies, towards the mountains and back to her home. to the place that founded this all.  to the ones that taught her to remain true to herself.

to be 100% her.

and never settle for anything less.

yes, that's what i want. for that beautiful little girl of my future...

i want her dreams to come true. 

exactly as mine have.

this post is for my parents. my little sister is getting married this next week. i can't help but think about what a stunning job they have done raising us kids. 

i love them. and can only pray that i will half of the loving, encouraging parents that they were to us.

love you guys.

Friday, June 15, 2012

cain's perfect game.

"i wonder if this is how people always get close; 
they heal each other's wounds.
they repair the broken skin."

lauren oliver, pandemonium

i just can't get enough of that face.
and that smile.
the smile that won my heart so sudden and unexpectedly. 
yeah, i know.

i'm a little obsessed.

*picture taken this at the giants game earlier this week.
one for the history books.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

this dress will be mine. one day.

there's a lot of things you should make back up plans for,
but love isn't one of them.

-stan smith

big shout out to my baby sister who will be getting married in one month.
love you both so much.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

american studies.

months back i wrote this post.

the gist of it--i know what it feels like to have a broken heart.

ha, and right now you're sitting there thinking, 'no duh kris. we read your blog. that's no secret.'

tell us somethin' we don't know.

but yes, i do.

and they suck. sorry mr. birrell/miss wolsey (they made our entire sophomore american studies class commit to never using the "s" word again by filling out a sheet of 100 words that could be used to replace it.)

but suck is what broken hearts do.

they suck all the life, motivation, and faith right outta' ya.

and this past post expresses that even though i had yet to experience it, held onto the hope that one day--in some future life--that i dared only dream of--there would be that one.

after all the failed relationships. all the laughable attempts at love. all the shit that left you feeling helpless, insecure and lost.

yes, after all that. i knew that somehow, someday there would be that one. that game changer.

in my exact words...

it'll be that one time. when it won't fail. when you will fight. and he will fight. and you will fight for each other.

you'll come sprinting. you'll come knowing you're willing to give just about anything. you'll come in humility...ready to forgive and be forgiven. learning from your past mistakes, you'll come in eagerness. 

and for no reason at all--things will fall into place.

yes, shocking.

doesn't sound much like the me we all knew at that time. but nevertheless, that's what i wrote.

and even though i had no real evidentiary support, my heart told me it was the truth.

i guess i still believed in it all along.

even though i often preached against it--solely based off of my experience that had become the only truths i really knew. the truth that love all-to-often ended in hurt. and regularly left you lying in bed at night--wondering if that love would still exist tomorrow. wondering what game you'd be competing in tomorrow.


but see, deep down i think i knew. one day. it wouldn't be a game. not a game at all in fact.

quite opposite.

somehow, deep down, i knew that one day it would just work. work in ways that i had never before experienced.and it would be so real, so genuine. almost sacred. to a point where games are not even considered. and for all of you doubting this--the ones out there getting there ass's kicked by another-ridiculous-one-sided relationship-- please listen.

don't settle. don't settle for anything less than crazy love. find reason in one another. and passion that comes natural with a ravenous desire to stay alive.

why? because it exists.

i promise.

you love him. he loves you. he respects every beautiful inch of you and you respect the hell out of him.

you'll go to bed at night, knowing he'd kill for you. knowing that he will be there for you in the morning, as devoted and as in love with you as he was the day before. 

he'll never hurt you.

and you'll find that your desires to make him happy are close-to-overwhelming.

yes, sweet girl. it exists.

just like my beautiful friend arica told me over our first dinner at one of the city's more pretentious and overpriced new-american restaurants...

"you'll meet someone kris. the right one. and i promise you, he'll make you forget about all those past experiences--the ones that are currently holding you back and distracting you. and no--he won't be able to wash them away from your past...but he will replace them with new, beautiful things that will create a special love that is uniquely for you two."

yes, words like that.

words that only god in heaven above could have placed in a more appropriate and timely manner. another testament to why certain people arrive in our lives when they do.

yes, all those words regarding the beauty of love. those things people had said to me in moments when i just could barely bare the pain anymore. the words that i'd scold at in the steam of darkened shower on those heartbroken nights....

like magic. they suddenly all hold so much meaning

it won't be a gamble.

don't listen to that unhappy man that tells you it will. because sure, there will be risk. always is. but not a gamble. no games. just trust and every reason in the world.

i remember--so many years ago--reading the words of elizabeth barrett browning (and again--shout out to mr. birrell and miss wolsey. a big thanks for all the intense hours of poetry reading our american studies class demanded from us)

her words read like an intimidating but captivating voice.

you're something between a dream and a miracle. 

they almost haunted me, they were so shocking, so romantic, and so crazy-ass passionate. more than anything---and i mean anything. i wanted that.

and from that moment on. i had no plans to ever settle for less.

no matter how many nights of dark-steamy-showers and friends re-run's the future held in-store for me.

that's what i wanted.

so here we are.

not ashamed to admit, i know most friends episodes from start to finish and can quote a good majority of them by heart.

i've mastered the art of taking dark, steamy, therapeutic showers. and have written numerous very-honest, sometimes harsh and slightly-bitchy blogposts on love in its prime and in its weakness.

i'm twenty-three measly years of rather-intense experience.

i never understood it. until now.

and you darling, are more of a dream than i could have ever dreamt of. and are more of an absolute miracle than i will ever deserve.

so send the dophins, baby. go right ahead. and listen to this song.