Thursday, November 5, 2009
just like a gingerbread man.
so i had a lot of time today to think. i began thinking about how frustrating it is to be sick, and how much i hate not being able to get anything done. i so badly wanted to do some deep house cleaning. my mind figured that if i wasn't at work or school...i should utilize such rare time and bleach down my whole house. unfortunately, i couldn't muster the strength to keep myself standing for more than a minute. needless to say, that dream died fast. so then i began thinking about other things. i've had some events recently that have caused me a lot of stress, worry, and frustration. i quickly stopped myself from lingering to long in those topics, and started thinking about happier things
for instance, a few days ago (before the illness struck) i was out running. and while i was running i saw a ballerina dancing in her front yard. kind of weird, i know but there was something so magical about it. she leaped and twirled, as the autumn fallen leaves blew softly along her pointed toe shoes. at that moment, i wished i was an artist. i would have captured that moment in a painting, or a photograph, or a sculpture...or something. it took me back to my ballet days. to the time i performed as a taffy in the california ballet companies production of the nutracker. it was a lovely experience. to be honest...i wasn't all that good at ballet. and really only got the part because before i went into the audition my mom told me, "just smile and show them how great you are!". so i did. i got the part and it was a wonderful experience.
i've always remembered that. "just smile....show them how great you are". thats life to me. people aren't always going to understand you at first...so you're going to have to show them.
one night, we were in the middle of a performance of the nutcracker...and it was going very well. our scene came on where the all the little taffies ran out onto the stage. i smiled and began to dance. without warning, i was suddenly smashed to the ground by a giant gingerbread man. he had knocked me clean off my feet, into the air and there i landed with a hard smash. it hurt really bad. and i was a little flustered. but i quickly got back up onto my feet and joined the other taffy once again. i smiled.
that is a little like life i guess. sometimes we're hit off our feet without any warning. we're hurt. or we're bruised. we feel like we're not really sure what is going on and that we may never recover...but the best thing to do is to get back up and finish what we started. and of course there is time to cry as well. after that routine was over, i ran off stage and it was then that the tears began to emerge and i realized that my head had an overwhelming and painful pulse.
but if we get back up, then we can move on. we can finish it. and we can smile again. that is life to me. it's like capturing a beautiful moment of a ballerina dancing amongst fallen leaves, or being lonely and sick lying on a sofa all day-- watching lars and the real girl, while you were sleeping and the wedding planner (all good movies by the way), or being run over by a giant ginger bread man. it's all just life, right? i'm going to show them that i can get up. that i can smile and show them what kind of girl i am.
but i still feel sick. so i'm going to sleep some more for now.