Thursday, December 30, 2010

watch the queen conquer.

from the time that i was probably fifteen-years-old i have had this molded, pieced-together ideal in my mind of the woman i would one day become (in fact, one of the earliest blueprints of my mind's creation was a 'rebecca donaldson katsopolis'-like-character-of-sorts. i always thought becky was the perfect mix of a feminine and loving woman, spiced up with a a no-nonsense attitude & a slight drizzle of sassy confidence. eh-hem. yes, i really was that obsessed with full house--probably still am.) and though this blueprint has changed drastically over the years, the basic concept has remained the same: a woman who knows who she is.

no, i don't recall an exact experience...nor could i pin-point a specific 'world-being-rocked' moment when this ideal was first sculpted into my mind, but i believe it to be a product of the many strong, beautiful women that have come in and out of my little life story.

people that have made me right.

and with this 'goal' or 'ideal' of mine, there naturally comes a drive to one day obtain it.

standard, right? a law of human existence: when you desire distance, you move. when you see something you want, you go after it. when you want to conquer the world, you formulate a plan. it's that critical movement that defines the goal.

it is the intent and power behind the movement that will build you as a person.

movement can mean many things. you can 'walk'. anyone can walk; a small infant can walk. it's basic. a person can work at achieving a goal. they can "x" off that completed day on their calendar. add up your weight watcher points for that week. check off their to-do's without really thinking about it. mindless.

it is easy to make routine out of the routine (just like our re-make of the friends routine with ross and monica. no not really, that routine rocks). basically--to do what you're supposed' to be doing.

and sure. that works. but don't ask me to condone it, because i won't. it's mediocre. simply walking is not going to get you very far.

sorry, but it's not.

so i ask you friends: why?

why settle for something of moderate quality? why not push yourself? build yourself into something beyond your perceived limitations.

in fact. why not run?

and run far.

stretch your mind farther. work at things you are not comfortable with. step outside of that comfort zone and force yourself to improve. stand out (goofy movie style--if you have no idea what i am talking about, listen to this song)

rock hard. like eddie vedder. (dang he rocks so hard.)

and run and run faster. because i promise you can.

i know i can. i can always move faster. push myself harder. move myself to something grander. the old saying 'you have arrived' means nothing really, because you can always work towards something better. and yes...you can be great at something. and that's great. two thumbs up.

but there is always room for improvement. right? am i wrong? please, tell me if i am off base here.

just like our conversation the other day--the world is continually progressing. it's science. it's evolution. call it survival of the fittest if you'd like.

we live in a world of instant answers, click of the mouse, touch of the screen...it's fast and it's merciless to those that fall behind. technology is going to improve. industries are going to expand. minds are going to formulate new and innovative creations.

fact: there will always be a forward progression. and don't for a second think you can just sit in a neutral position, because neutral is the new 'fall-behind-and-get-your-a-kicked' position.

you've got to move. and not only move to keep up but move to run--sprint if you have to--with the head of the pack.

and just like you said. it's never not time. never. (now we're getting to the gist of it.)

never is strong. it is bold. it is unforgiving. and you knew that when you said it. you knew what you were saying as you looked me in the eye and said it again and again. down to the very last syllable. perhaps that's why it struck me so whimsically and left me feeling slightly beaten.

you knew the power behind those words, and you said it anyways.

because it's what you truly believe. and you--yourself--live by it.

and the best part is that you see such strength in me.

that right there is why you said it and that's why it pierced at my character. that's why it threatened the very perception i had of myself up until that moment in time.

and i now know--that i don't want anything less.

anais nin once said, "i--with a deeper instinct--choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

i couldn't have ever said it better myself anais nin (who was an author--in case you were wondering). ever. ever. ever.

i love it. love it even more than those holiday-christmas-tree-chocolate-reeses-peanut-butter-cup-things. so freakin' good.

this concept rocks my world. again and again. it hit home, just like those certain things do on rare occasion.

let's look at this deeper. just because i am so in love with it.

'a man who compels my strength'. just like you rogers (just a little movie-tid-bit for ya.)

to 'compel' means to force or to drive. this may seem a bit abrasive to some, but it really isn't. all she is saying is that she will only choose a man who knows her strength and expects her to be a strong individual. someone who will not cradle her or stunt her growth, but allow her to reach as high as she can.

'a man...who makes enormous demands on me'. oh-how-i-love this. and why? because i will choose a man who doesn't expect anything less. who knows what i am capable of and holds me to it. just like i expect of myself.

'a man...who does not doubt my courage or toughness.' eh-hem.

and this is one of my favorite lines. you see, part of the 'ideal' woman that i am working towards includes erasing all doubts that i have in myself. that being said, i want a man who will not doubt in my capabilities either.

"...who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

my man will treat me like a person. a person that he goes to for opinions and advice. an equal. someone he trusts and looks up to.

this is what i want. and this is what i choose.

no, i'm not a feminist. i'll take my man's name and i'll be a loving and devoted wife.

i will raise my children and love every moment of it. i will be the housewife. the one that volunteers with the pta and drives my children from voice lessons to soccer practice, taking them their sack lunches when they leave them on the kitchen counters during the morning fury.

i will teach my children everything i can. and probably screw up a time or two (thousand)...and for the rest of it i will humbly try to leave for my father in heaven. i know he will be the one with the answers for the questions i can't seem to find an answer to (which will be a great dea).

i don't expect to change the world. no, i'm not going to flatter myself here.

and i doubt i will do anything to alter the course of human existence as we know it.

but hold up. because you better believe that with whatever i choose to do, i will give it my all. because this is the new me. the me that you helped me find. the me that you forced me to take a deeper, longer, more honest look into.

....the me that i was to scared to face without you.

and now you've helped me become just that much closer to the rebecca-donaldson-katsopolis blueprint that i was working on in such detail.

thank you. thank you for not only believing in me but for compelling my strength and having the courage to treat me like a woman.

for looking me in the eye even when you knew it wasn't what i wanted to hear. and for teaching me to not be scared of who i am.

just like our girl nicki minaj says, "you can be the king, but watch the queen conquer".

get ready. get set. let's go.

watch me.

because this is what i choose.

thanks kanye.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

how the nativity goes down at our house.

i really don't think any descriptions are needed here.

hope you all had a
merry christmas!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

the return of aubry ann.

it's been a year and a half since this little bundle of joy left us...

my best-est friend in the whole entire world. aubry ann.

seriously, i can not believe that she is already coming home (she's been serving a mission for the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints)

when she left, i was sure that i would take mind-blowing strides in my life, make small-country sized improvements, and would have traveled the world and lived with indigenous tribes of south america by the time she returned.

but i am not quite there yet.

and that's okay.

i'm excited for my friend to be home. to once again have her as a part of my life.

there was a time that we were inseparable. our first years of college were a time of trial and error. experimentation and naivety. we weren't really sure what was going on. but in a way...that made it more enjoyable.

there are times i can't help but miss those days.

we have seen each other through everthing. bad haircuts, fashion mishaps, crushed hearts, first kisses, lots of heart-cookies, and so many countless 4 a.m. nights of laughing, talking, confiding and just being each other's besties.

aubry and i are complete opposites. she has dark hair. mine is light. she has skin that literally burns the instant it's hit by the sun. mine soaks up rays like a sponge.

she is blunt. i am pleaser.

she thinks she can dance like a black person. but in actuality, i am the one who can lay down the ghetto moves like a sista' from the hood (and anyone who knows either of us knows that neither of us have any such skill)

but we dream.

aubry is tall. i am short. aubry could beat me up (and at times i make her so mad she almost did).

but when the time arose to be there for one another...we always were. i had her back. and she had mine.

we would get in long, extensive debates (and that's the nice way of putting it). our friends might call them 'arguments'....'verbal bashes'....'fist fights'...all the same really. needless to say, we definitely had our differences.

and somehow, we work so dang well together.

cheers to that.

cheers to more nights of meaningless chatter, rewinding the ending scene of pride and prejudice eleven times just so we could feel like we were that in love...and being the rockstar people that we are.

love you aubry.



what should we do tonight?
what we do every night...try to take over the world!
-pinky and the brain (aubry's go-to quote)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

middle earth.

this week is christmas. i know, right? what the h.?

how did that sneak up on us?

time flies.

this week i couldn't stop listening to sister golden hair. i'm not sure why. memories, i guess. tuscon. desert heat. those turtles. and an airplane ride home.

looking out that window at dry earth so far below. wondering, just wondering what would come next.

this week was all about people.

i saw people from my past. from the day before. from nowhere. from that moment on. and that was enough.

i loved it. i really couldn't get enough.

this week i put on a small black dress and sequined peep-toe shoes, curled my blond hair and applied some waterviolet lip shade.

a night out.

yes, i am definitely a dress-up kind of girl.

this week i came home, took of those sequined heels and formal dress. washed the make-up from my face and looked up into the mirror...and i was still beautiful.

my pajamas went on, socks pulled up over my sweats. cause' i'm a cozy-in-my-fluffy-socks with a good chick flick kind-of-girl.

mmmgh. yeah.

this week i realized that i really don't want to be thirty-three and single. pllleeeaaasssee. pretty please. i'd rather pluck my eyes out with a chop stick before i get to that point.

this week i watched lord of the rings one morning at the gym.

yeah, i had totally forgotten how whimsical those movies are. really though. they are so insanely good. perhaps i will watch them all over break.

anyone down for a little middle-earth marathon?

this week i almost cried when thinking about seattle. okay, not really.

but i do need to go there. and i will.

soon.

why? because something is there. something is calling me. i don't think i will ever be complete without it.

this week i called someone out on posing as a radiohead fan. unfortunately for them, they didn't realize before speaking that i could pwn on them.

and seriously, if i know more about radiohead then you, and you're claiming to be die-hard...then we've got a problem. i know what a true fan looks like.

and i'm not going to claim to be one. and they shouldn't have either.

this week was simple. and beautiful.

this week had it's ups and downs. but mostly up's.

this week i was so, so tired.

this week i grew insanely fond of sleeping on that little memory foam pad.

this week i read some of my old poetry and found my watercolor brush. this week i thought about potential and selling yourself short.

this week i thought about you.


and this week i prayed. for so many reasons. for so many things. but mainly....just to talk. to talk to someone who knows me better than i know myself.

and that right there....is this week.

nighty night.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

i wish i was a sailor, with someone who waited for me.

sure, i will admit it: i'm overwhelmed.

not just moderately overwhelmed. but the actual conquered and defeated, flag raised up in desperate surrender-kind-of-overwhelmed.

but i hate, hate focusing on that. because the truth is, i will figure it out. i will get over it. and if i were to sit tonight and complain and cry about my troubles...i would only regret it tomorrow.

if i am strong. then i will look back with gratitude and maybe give myself a pat on the back.

so for now, we'll leave it at that.

before i sign off, i suggest you watch the "classy christmas" episode of the office from last week. (really though, i can't get over how well written it was)

and perhaps, listen to this song by my boy eddie vedder. i love the lyrics. hence, the title of this post.

hm. and maybe even treat yourself to a little kanye west "monster" from his new album. fair warning: only listen to the 'clean' version. it's way better anyways.

remember that family is number one.

and please.
just close your eyes as someone you love embraces you. feel the comfort and security. maybe shed a tear if you need to.

that's why they are there. and they love you.

and finally, look for any possible reason to wear your new faux fur earwarmer from urban outfitters.

because it's rockstar.

so long white flag, tomorrow is a new day.

over and out.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

neesh, a little bit.

my lil' sister neesh is coming home
for the holidays this friday.
and i couldn't be more excited!
she is basically a rockstar.
with the most bad-a hair out of all of us.
and the most sass.
love you neeshy.


Monday, December 13, 2010

a mistake is beside the point,
for once anything happens it authentically is.

john cage

Saturday, December 11, 2010

we're elves. with attitude.

need some holiday movie ideas?
here are my top ten favorites:
straight from the keen holiday collection.
(and please...do not judge my overall taste of movies off of the selection i am about to give you. christmas movies fall in a very different category of entertainment for me...
wait, what am i saying?
these movies rock! judge all you want!)

1. christmas with the kranks.
tim allen and jamie lee curtis.
the santa claus meets christmas vacation.
great for the whole family. witty script, entertaining yet simple plot. enjoyable time and time again.

2. unlikely angel.
dolly parton.
call it a 'one woman show'. call it a 'voluptuous success'.
originally made for tv, unlikely angel is a heartwarming story about ruby diamond, a struggling country singer, who dies in a sudden car crash and will not be let into heaven without completing one final task on earth....
what could it be? you ask. you're going to have to watch to find out.
(be watching for the choir scene at the end...her slit goes up to Timbuktu and honestly, i don't have words big enough to express my feelings on those two darlings on her chest.)

3. a boyfriend for christmas
kelli williams and patrick muldoon
a dynamic duo.
this sweet tale is a hallmark original movie that i was blessed to come across a number of years ago. filmed in salt lake, it really hits close to home (get it? because salt lake is very close to home...) because i can't say it any better, i'd like to quote the imdb tagline for this film.
eh hem.
"on christmas day, santa brings to lonely people together.
but can love overcome deception?"
intriguing, right?
let's just say...when i do have a bfs at christmas time, for their own sanity's sake, they should probably just learn to love this flick. because it's most definitely not going anywhere.

4. i'll be home for christmas.
johnathan taylor thomas.
um. yes. a hunk, a hunk of burning christmas luuuuuv.
and for you guys out there, jessica biel co-stars. and though it is back in her 'seventh heaven' days (pre-2005 when esquire magazine named her the sexiest woman alive) she's still looking pretty fine.
seriously some long-lasting family quotes pulled from that movie.

5. elf
will ferrell.
what's a christmas gram? i want one.
this film will forever be deemed as a holiday classic.
i can't think of anything that tops it.

6. a very tanner christmas (holiday episode of full house)
full of the usual tanner-clan excitement, drama and life lessons...
this christmas at the tanners is one that i watch every year.
stephanie and michelle have gone gift crazy, d.j. and steve have a temporary but painful break-up, becky misses her traditional white christmas back home in nebraska (but don't worry ladies, uncle jesse--a.k.a our very own 90's icon romeo-licious--will surprise her with another all-star romantic gesture) and danny gets a little christmas surprise of his own when vicki shows up to their holiday party dressed in a santa suit.
shazam.
man, how do you top a story-line like that? full house has it going on!

7. it's a wonderful life
james stewart.
obviously i couldn't leave this one off. it's so classic.
really though, i have always loved this movie.
who doesn't?
"look daddy. teacher says, everytime a bell rings an angel get's it's wings..."
attaboy clarence.

8. the one with the creepy holiday card
friends christmas episode
so freakin' good.
you need, need, need to see this one if you haven't.
ross really shines in this episode...
one of my favorite quotes:
you gave her a key to you apartment?
"not just a key...i gave her the only key!
i am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship!"

9. the one with the holiday armadillo
another friends christmas episode...
you have to see this one too.
classic.
"ben, why don't you go open some presents,
while santa, the armadillo and i have a little talk in the kitchen.
now there's a sentence i never thought i'd say."

10. the santa clause
tim allen.
i wasn't a huge fan of the second or third,
but the first 'santa clause' will forever be a favorite of mine.
it kind of makes me want to be an elf.
"we're your worst nightmare. we're elves with attitude."
you've got to love that sass.

....and there you have it.
my top ten holiday movie/show choices.
enjoy.

merry christmas.

Friday, December 3, 2010

jacob f.

to the girl.

do you remember when you were little?

back in the day. those innocent times. when anything pink meant beautiful and
calorie was a gibberish word that you only heard your mother say.

those blissful days when the boys would chase you on the playground just for sport (i still remember the recess period when jacob f. -my long time elementary school crush- chose to chase me down and carry me back to the prison under the monkey bars. oh what a glorious day. at that time, a gesture like that practically screamed i love you...it was monumental really. and don't think i didn't read into it, because i totally did.)

times were so simple.

back when barbie dolls were still barbie dolls. and "bratz" would have been classified as socially taboo. (seriously, if "bratz" dolls had existed back when i was of doll-playing-age, there would have been no way in you know where that my mom would have allowed them in our house.)

being a little girl was magical.

everything was good. and love was perfect and clear.

at that point, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that fairytale's were true and real.

not even a question.

it was just part of life. like having a heart that beats or needing food to keep from starving. fairytales just fit so rhythmically into the beat of life.

a catchy tale mixed in with a handsome prince and an evil step-mother, topped off with some happily ever after. why the h. not, right?

as a little girl, i figured...that was just the way it worked.

but eventually little girls all grow into women. and as time goes on we start to question love. and tales of prince's and sunsets and white horses. with time, we start to doubt their existence.

the notion of prince charming becomes not-so-charming anymore.

and the notion of a white horse becomes much less novel and more just like a smelly, dirty horse with gnats circling up its nostrils.

i'm not sure what it is. a harsh blow of reality? the truth finally coming out? having the sense knocked into us maybe...but it happens.

we watch as relationships around us change, for better and for worse. we witness as people and situations take various turns, and as feelings of love grow and flourish...disintegrate and disappear.

it's enough to bring a girl to tears. wishing we could go back to the days when we knew prince charming would come carry us to a castle of our own, where everything would be peachy and sparkly.

it's a childish notion. i realize.

in fact, i confess. you get me in a setting where my values of being a woman are questioned, and there is no way you will get me talking about fairytales or waiting on a man...or anything of the sorts.

i will act tough. and i will act as if i could care less.


but here is the thing.

i do care.

eh hem.

ladies, i'm not going to sit here and tell you that fairytales are real.
one, because that would be stupid. and two, because that isn't the point of me writing today.

these stories change for every individual.

in fact, i talked to a girl the other day who was soon to be married. she claimed that they 'just knew' (p.s. i kind of despise that phrase) and said that he 'asked and she said yes'.

of course, i congratulated her. and gave her my best wishes.

but what i really wanted to do was grab her bony shoulders and shake her hard while yelling in her face how lucky she was. just to make sure she fully understand that she is, for some unknown reason, special enough to have a relationship where two people, from two different worlds....two different, separate lives...come together and 'just know' that marriage was in their cards. just that easy. sha-freakin'-zam.

it happens.

more than you think.

in fact, i hear it time and time again. is this a fairytale? sure. clock strikes midnight and let's all turn into pumpkins. yipee.

but that's not how it works for me. not then. not now. not ever.

why?
maybe it's because i'm so bad a.

or perhaps it is because that's what i am subconsciously drawn to or maybe i just like the thrill of the chase and then watching things crash and burn. maybe i do it to myself. maybe they do it to me. maybe it's all a joke.

whatever it is. it's not a happy-go-lucky amy adams meets dr. mcdreamy type thing.

pitty.

so. here is what i have to say today.

to all you girls who fall in that 'lucky' category (she's so lucky, she's a star...but she cries, cries, cries in her lonely heart thinking...if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night. da-da-da-da...a little britney spears action there for ya) any-who, to the lucky ones: congrats. go live up your fairy tales and have a merry christmas.

we envy you.

...to you girls that are left, like me. us. "the unlucky" ones: it will come.

maybe not on a white horse.

and no, probably not involving any sort poison apple or glass slipper....

but it will happen. the time will come.

sure, you will brace yourself for pain. for another broken heart. because that is what you know. you will curl up in bed at night and slowly breath in and out to keep the tears from coming.

you'll prepare for the worst but hope and pray and cry for the best.


because that is what we do. right ladies?

just like when we were little girls, running from jacob f. on the playground...we still believe in love. oh-how-we believe in it.

no matter how many times you are hurt. no matter how many times you love so hard and then watch it all drive away...we still love. crazy, eh?

god blessed us that way.

we love easily.

and though time and experience may leave us mocking the existence of fairy tales.

there will always be that small hope that we will find one of our own. and we will never stop loving.

nope. never.

the end.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

getting our christmas on.

this weekend the warwick house officially went christmasy.
decorations went up. as did the tree...

and on saturday we went to savior of the world.
a family tradition.

{mom, si, ben.ja.min, yours truly, dane & daddy-war-bucks}
oh-how-dearly i love the holidays.

xoxo.

ginger snaps and a snowy sunday.

this thanksgiving holiday has been 114% perfect.

it's unreal...how wonderful it has been. from the perfectly mashed potatoes (thanks mary) to the heaven sent orange rolls, to the in-house dance off between si, shel-bell and yours truly (thanks michael jackson)...which, by the way, i won by a landslide. or should i say...by an impressive hip twist into a bridge followed by a gnarly g-kick, flared with a tasteful touch of stripper-ish body rolling movement.

mmmgh. yeah.

so, i'll pour myself a champagne glass three quarters of the way full with left-over sparkling cider and propose a toast.

a toast, to the thanksgiving now past and the holiday celebrations still to come.

cheers.

cheers to ice skating at the gallivan center in salt lake. cheers to christmas trees and sitting in barnes and noble reading twas' the night before christmas. cheers to raspberry hot cocoa and kissing under mistletoe. to freezing cold winds and warm fire places. sure, i'll toast to that. to family and beautifully wrapped christmas presents. to holiday shopping and belting out carols in the car. to everything christmas.

let it be known, that today i am feeling quite random.

so many thoughts going in and out of this exhausted mind.

perhaps it is
the 2.5 hours of sleep i got on black friday. left me a bit sleepy.

i'm sitting here by the fireplace, enjoying a ginger-snap from smart cookie (these ginger snaps are truly the most delicious cookie i have ever had in my whole life...they don't sell them usually, but you can get them special ordered. totally worth it. i promise)...just thinking about the changes that will soon take place in my life.

big changes. huge really.


very exciting.

and a little bit scary. good thing this ginger snap is delectable.

i'm just going to keep on keeping on. and even though i'm a tiny-bit frightened, i feel so overwhelmed with gratitude.

oh-how-i-love those little characteristics of living.

like the fact that my sister si and i are absolutely, stand-up, no questions asked, hilarious when we get together. it's undeniable. she is one of the funniest people alive. she can keep up with the best. and i'm privledged to run along side her.

little details.

like how my sister's boyfriend steals sips of my diet coke whenever we go out. and how left-over turkey sandwiches are num-num-il-icious.

small things, that are sometimes even frustrating. for example, watching my mom try to text message or navigate around a computer (she still hasn't quite grasped this generation of technology) and it's absolutely, horrifically frustrating. and yet, looking back on it. i simply smile.

like those intense hour long debates that we find ourselves in. about any number of invigorating topics...like how university parking sucks. or why women can't be more like men. and why neil young kicks a**. and then come to realize that we didn't really even understand what the other was saying in the first place.

maybe it's just the way my little writing-blogging-authoring mind works...but i love detail.

i love my freckles and the nun shaped scar on my pointer finger. and how i always end up with the squeaking grocery cart at the market.

i love that my youngest sister is living it up in hawaii. hanging with movie stars from the count of monte christo, hitch-hiking rides with professional surfers (you got lucky there neesh) and sky-diving over the ocean.

i'm thankful for you. and you. and you.

today, i set new goals for myself. became more decisive. made an extremely long to-do list. decorated a christmas tree. learned more about myself while sitting in church. thought more about what you said, 'it's never not the time' (you rocked my world with that one) and thought about all the holiday activities that i must do.

yes. it's going to be a lovely week.

bring on the change. and pour me another glass of that cider.

cheers.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

makes me right.

yes, this is making me right.

like that bite of fresh, moist chocolate cake coated in the most delicious fudge frosting ever known to mankind. num. num. it made me right.

and when- to my great pleasure- rich girl by gwen stefani came on the radio this afternoon and i eagerly sang/rapped/danced along....what happened to my life turned upside down. chicks that blew your mind. ding. the second round....

that also made me right.

imagining driving through the desert
in an 88' land cruiser, heat sitting so thick you can practically bite into it. old man by neil young playing in the background. tan skin and scruff lining your jaw line. deep breath. seriously, that makes me right.

spending friday night huddled over the toilet. puking. hopelessly, pathetically camping out on the bathroom floor. definitely not my ideal plan for friday date night. but hey, nothing that a little ginger ale and a hot bubble bath couldn't make right.

walking through the mall, soaking up the holiday decorations and christmas colors. large streamer-like ornaments hanging from the ceilings. crowds moving at an abnormally quick pace, knowing the season shopping craze has begun. it's alive in the air. oh-how-that makes me right.

running through the rain-sleet-snow, whatever that was. feeling that icy cold wind burn my eyes and freeze my lungs from the inside out. all the more reason to push myself harder and move my legs faster. no one else is around. cars do not exist. nothing and no one can push me but myself.

definitely, definitely makes me right.


this song makes me right.

this scripture, in it's beautiful simplicity. in the peace it brings me...yes, it makes me very right.

dreaming of one day having a charming home of my own. with a family that is mine. and a king size bed to share with my husband. putting up our own, perfect christmas tree. and braving the roof as we attempt to line our house in christmas lights. making the recipes that my mom made when i was growing up. starting our own unique funky traditions that will become a part of our children's hearts.

and maybe they too will stop by home around the holidays
, just for a random visit...like i did last night. simply to feel the comfort of a warm house, filled to the brim with holiday decor...with classic hallmark christmas shows playing on tv. my family moving about, each individual person doing their own thing. nothing special. nothing fancy. and oh-how-deeply i love it. just one of those days...when a girl needs home.

mmmgh.

that makes me right.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

where'd you go?

remember the song where'd you go?
by fort minor...

good one, huh?
i woke up this morning with it playing through my head.
this is a sign.
it's happened before...
i immediately thought of my girls. of all the memories i cling to.
of all the times i cherish...

it's time for a little stroll down memory lane.
i dedicate this post to you guys.

(i've pulled together some of our most classic photos...)

the beginnings.
at the notorious glenwood.
if i breath real deep, i can still get a whiff of the moldy/dead rat smell that graces each and every glenhood apartment.

we had a roommate that moved out soon after the year began.
but she left us with an enormous self-portrait on our living room wall.
pretty classic.

oh man. we were so young.
eighteen and knowing absolutely nothing of what our futures would hold.
p.s. aubry had just cut her hair and was looking pretty dang sexy.

proudly sporting my new bangs.
notice all my hair changes throughout the pictures...
so great.

and here we are at carriage cove...
oh-the-memories.
the sad part about this picture is...we ate most of that cake all ourselves.

one of our classic portraits.
night skiing/snowboarding.

christmas at carriage cove.
i am proud to admit, i bought jess these beauties.

i couldn't love this picture of aubs more.
i loved that christmas tree with all my heart.
and i love that girl more than all the chocolate chip cookies in the world.

our christmas card picture.
this was pretty much the only decent one out of probably thirty tries.

see that slipcover on the sofa behind us?
yeah, that thing was honestly the destroyer of my sanity.
i would straighten and smooth and fold those things probably seven times a day.

our crazy a. photo shoot...

attitude, what?
i eat this crap up.

each one of these girls has gone on to do amazing things.
they're rockstars.


and aubry shares my love for diet coke.
no, these weren't all hers.

the days of the king henry...

one of our classic nights at the byu library.
living it up with the cougs.
(if you look really close you can see my 'uvu' account up on my computer...shhhhh, don't tell)

oh yeah...and i went dark for a while.
not my favorite.
but as my cousin says, "every girl has got to try it at some point".
chhheck.

these are my besties.
i miss them. a lot.

where'd you go?
i miss you so.
seems like it's been forever.
that you've been gone...
please come back home.

to hear song click here.

Friday, November 12, 2010

it's us.

all we really want is to belong.
to have someone to love. who loves us back.
for who and whatever we are.
that's what everyone is looking for.
deny it. and you're lying.
i see it everyday.
the unfathomably powerful drive behind every breath we take.
it's us.
it's who we were created to be.
thanks for the picture neesh

Thursday, November 11, 2010

basically.

i am basically in love with this room.
the rug adds such texture and warmth.
almost like it's saying "welcome".
...its like receiving an invitation.
to sit down and experience fabulous.
and of course...
the funky art work simply seals the deal for me.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

marching in the big parade.

confessions.

really, i don't think i could be more excited about the holidays.
i might as well be a small child that still believes in santa claus...
because i'm completely giddy for the holidays.
this little girl has officially left me feeling a little too obsessed
with whipping my hair back and forth.
oh-how-i-wish i had her sass. and ghetto dance moves.
diet coke plus me still equals love.
perfect is just a silly word. and i can't be it. (i know, right. who knew?)
so i have to accept that.
whenever i hear 'thunder rolls' by garth brooks
i immediately picture a snowy road through the rocky mountains...
working our way to mccall, idaho.
i'm scared. i confess.
scared of time passing too quickly. scared of the future.
scared of big decisions. scared of losing you.
running keeps me sane. and i am slightly addicted to it.
i've been making pretty good homemade cookies.
okay, they're from the betty crocker bag (just add an egg and butter)
but who cares, they rock. and i feel proud.
sorry, i suck at girl talk.
i'm crazy about modern family. love it.
and i have a huge girl crush on julie bowen (who plays the mom).
i still love my country rock music.
neil young will always have my heart.
i'm glad that i grew up in a family that drove the ugliest white box van, with a red stripe around the whole exterior...
i think it built character. maybe, a large part of why we are the way we are.
it was similar to this but just a red stripe. sexy, eh?
i've been having a lot of dance parties by myself lately.
it's a good stress reliever.
mmmmgh.

so, there it is. i confess. life is good. no, it is beautiful.
it's not easy. at all.
but that's how we like it.



doesn't matter who you are. or who you're not.
all it takes is a little love to make a handout worth a lot.
swimming in the deep blue sea.
marching in the big parade.

-neil young, light of love

Friday, November 5, 2010

didn't i tell you i love full house?

yeah, i wasn't fooling around...
quite frankly, i'm not sure if it's possible for a girl to love a t-shirt more.
i'm a little bit obsessed with it.


a birthday present from neesh. pretty rad, huh?
you got it, dude?

happy weekend.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

hello, november.

something about the start of november leaves me twitterpated.

first & most obviously, it is the start of the holiday season. the holiday season that i love with every ounce of heart i've got in me.

perhaps it's that bone-chilling nip in the air. the one that makes me want to cuddle up by a fire with a large "friends-like" sized mug of raspberry hot chocolate, with my warm fuzzy socks pulled up over my sweats. (yes, i do wear my socks over my pants. ask anyone that's lived with me. i'm just sexy like that.)

i love everything about it. the remaining leaves that have yet to fall...the snow sprinkled mountains....the fact that my entire body is numb by the time i get back from running in the mornings and then burns when i step in the warm shower...

mmmmgh.

i raise my glass to november. good things are going to happen.

in fact, i'm going to brush today off. start fresh. oh, did i forget to mention? today was by far...like really far...'neverland and the lost boys' far, the longest day of my life.

november second two-thousand and ten. documented: you kicked my trash. yes you did. go ahead, get the gloating out of your system because november is only going up from here. (when i wrote that the shania twain song, "up" immediately came into my head. weird.)

you want to know why? i'll tell you...because my life is just the way it should be.

you tell me i need to figure things out. okay fine. and i'm telling you to show me a twenty-two year-old girl who has it all figured out. do that and we'll talk.

even a glass of cold, cold water couldn't have helped me wash down a day like today. and sure, it's tempting to sit here with this bowl of cheerios and allow myself tear-up and maybe cry...and pathetically ask myself, "what am i doing wrong?"

but then (thankfully) i remind myself that i'm not that girl. i'm the strong one. the girl that...even when she doesn't have it all figured out...struts her stuff and acts like she does.

as lovely as being perfect in every way sounds...

it's simply not happening.

sure, i could've done it the way that you talk about. that way that haunts me after days like today. i could've stuck to what was safe and played the game without using a chance card. but that's not me. and i'm not apologizing for that.

i'm a smart girl. trust me.

i can't promise you that i'll one day have my whole life figured out. again, show me someone that does. but i can promise you that i'll keep fighting, moving foward...in whatever 'foward' direction that is.

that's the girl i am.

mmmmgh.
so.

welcome november. take a seat, stay a while.