Sunday, July 25, 2010

choose your own adventure.

when i was a kid, i loved to read. sincerely, honestly loved to read. yes. i was a nerd, a big nerd. especially since at this time i had glasses that sat crooked upon my nose and pre-braces chicklet teeth (just call me mr. wilson).

(sidenote: my good friend parker used to keep a picture of me from this time period in his wallet and he would take it out whenever he had a bad day. it'd give him a good chuckle. yes, that's how bad it was.)

my library card was worn at the corners due to frequent use and i was a regular participant in the summer reading program, eh-hem. yes, i admit this to you freely. truth be told, i couldn't get enough of it. my mind was filled with a yearning for more stories...more mystery...more beauty...more romance. all of which, i could find in my lovely story books.

amidst my great love for books of all genre's, there was one that i wasn't quite so comfortable with. and that was the "choose your own adventure" novels.

i distinctly remember that they were all the rage for my 4th and 5th grade years of school....but i never quite caught onto that train. i found them to be uncomfortable and frustrating.

if you are unfamiliar with the "choose your own adventure" concept, please...let me explain. basically the reader reaches a certain point, and has to make a decision for the main character (example: whether they should journey into the dark, bat infested cave of wonders or take the leap off the ledge of endless hope into the deep waters of misery). yeah, for reals though. that kind of crap.

then, based off of your decision, the author would then tell you which page to turn to and there you would be able to read the consequence of your choice.

this....for lack of a better word: sucked.

i did not, did not enjoy this. in fact, it often times left me feeling angry.

how was i, the innocent reader, supposed to know whether an adventure into a hole in a rock or a jump from a high cliff would give me a better outcome? someone, please explain the point of this. isn't one of the main ideas behind reading a book not to have to make decisions? it's all written, typed, and polished right there for you. take it or leave it, the decisions are made.

but not in the "choose your own adventures".

the ten-year-old me simply couldn't do it. i always had to peek. i'd skip forward to the "cave outcome" a feel for the direction it would take. and then i'd hop over to the "cliff outcome" page and skim that route. i'd gather my pro's and con's, and from there...i'd make my selection.

sure, this worked. i'd usually pick the direction where i got the adventure, the handsome man, and the intrigue. but it wasn't satisfying. at all. because i had cheated. i hadn't taken that "leap". and i hadn't braved the "cave". it felt fake. kind of like a really cheaply written novel: unbelievable and frankly, a waste of publication.

but if i didn't peek, how could i possibly know?

surprising how much this relates to my life. and not just my life as a small child in the library painfully reading a "choose your own adventure", but my life now as a grown up. painfully making my way through my own "choose your own adventure".

call me indecisive. or maybe i'm just too safe. but i certainly do wish i could have a peek.

really though, who knows if choice #1 is the way you'll be most happy. or if choice #2 will be how you find true love....and yet, maybe choice #3 might be, surprisingly, the best possible option...

thank heavens
that there is no way for me to flip the pages of my future and peek. because you know i would.

and as i learned in the 4th grade, that's just not as satisfying.

so for now, as i continue this "choose your own adventure"...i'll just keep blindly choosing what i want to choose. depending on the day, i may follow my heart...or, surprise, i may let my mind do the deciding. what day is it today?, maybe i'll let my heart take the lead today.

my philosophy on the choose your own adventure: just make a decision. maybe, it's whatever sounds best. perhaps, it is whatever you love most. or maybe it's whatever you can trust and believe in...and then leap. mmmgh.

brave that cave, if you will.

with that, please skip to page 74.

Friday, July 23, 2010

ramblings of a crazy friday.

one day, i will have children. and they will have a room like this with a giant map, bookshelves full of good reads and baskets for their toys.

of course, it won't always stay looking this lovely. which will probably drive me crazy, because i like to imagine that my future home will always look like a cover shot on house beautiful. nevertheless, this will be their room. their room to dream, to sing, to make get lost in the world of nancy drew or caught up in the magic of j.r.r. tolkien.

one day. i will go to seattle.
be it by plane, or train...or car, or bus. seattle dear, i will find my way to you. maybe it will be next month. or perhaps it will be the following year, but it will happen.

i'm drawn to you, almost as if some cosmic force is telling me that i will find some missing part of myself within your midst. i think about you often, dreaming of your music...walking down your piers in the late morning hours...getting caught in the rain, feeling the chill in my bones. mmmgh.

one day. my walls will be graced by unique, eclectic artwork. and shelves and shelves of books, in all shapes and sizes. who are you? he asks. i tell him. i'm vintage. traditional really, with an edge of contemporary. a transitional twist. i'm funky art and cowhides. simplicity. cleanliness. white. grey. you know, cut and dried, by the rules.

and yet, somehow...i've got a little helter-skelter in me. don't ask me how. clutter, no. collections, yes. a messy bun to keep my hair out of my face, baggy shirts and a touch of blush. it's all in the eye of the beholder, right?

i don't really understand it myself.

one day. i will lay out under the stars and know all the constellations.
this has always, always been a dream of mine. and i always intend to buy a book or take a class...or get on the internet and study the stars...but life always happens first.
and my consetellation dream takes a backseat to the everyday stuff.
stars are magical, right?
i like magical.

one day.

Monday, July 19, 2010

bluesy, my rubber duck.

as it turns out, i'm not made of stone. i know, i know. shocker.

after a day like today, i could never claim to be.
blew that chance. one minor-ish break down, a few hundred held back (and not-so-held back) tears and ten deep breaths later, and i made it through this beastly, beautiful day.

it's humbling really. i always look at others when they're
melting down and somehow think i'm in more control than that. ha, or not. my apologies to all those i've looked upon in pity.

listen up world, because i admit it. sticks and stones just might possibly break my bones. and words can, in fact, hurt me.

all i really want right now is to go home to someone's comforting arms. to hear that i'm loved. and to hide from the world.

the fact is, you can't please everyone.
mascara will run. caffeine is very missed when absent. life isn't perfect. and york peppermint patties won't ease the pain (but are num-num-ilicious). phew.

now, onto more pleasing topics...i now have a pet. a
small rubber duck in a tuxedo, named bluesy. he was purchased out of a quarter machine, and i feel oddly attached to him. he's a good rubber duck.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

one day. but not today.

one day, i will be here.
don't believe me? will find me laying on one of those little boats.
some light jazz playing in the background.
no problems, no worries...or fears.
simply the rhythm of the ocean.
and a mediterranean sun.

not today. but one day.
you'll see.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

the nestle cookie dough day.

sitting. just eating. innocently...blissfully enjoying a tub of nestle chocolate chip cookie dough. yes, i can see that the packaging clearly reads "do not consume raw dough" me rebellious, call me stupid. go ahead, but here goes another guilty scoop.

maybe it's the uncooked egg and the small chance that i may get salmonella poisoning...or perhaps it is that i've been reading a little too much khalil gibran, but i'm feeling a surge of romantic in me. sort of like juliet as she called out in hopeless, sincere desperation for her romeo...feeling kind of 'elvis presley-ish' as i quietly hum can't help falling in love with you. a bit jane austen like, dreaming up a little love story that will change the way the world sees modern love. up next, i'm going to pop in the episode of friends where chandler proposes to monica and maybe cry, like i usually do.

scoop. mmm.

and all this hopeless romantic cookie dough is making me think. think about love. about relationships. about life. about human nature. about stress. about fear. about understanding. about why my stomach sometimes hurts. really hurts.

asking myself questions that don't have any real answers. like...

what if thoughts could be heard?

maybe it's the people pleaser that i am, always will be and can't escape from but that thought constantly toys with me.

what if i knew the uncut, uncensored, untainted thoughts that channel from your head to your heart, from your heart to your head...from the outside world into your own.
so many many questions would be answered. so many insecurities could be brushed aside or...reaffirmed. so many moments of harsh, bitter, painstaking truth would be over and done with.

and on the other hand, there would be moments of pure, sacred pure that the human race would have no choice but to grow and learn from it. love so direct, that it would have no reason to fear the worlds critical eye. almost as if the heart itself would be speaking directly.


perhaps then i may be able to say what i want to say, and express what my shy heart wishes you knew.

what about forever?

quite a thought, forever. it's a strange phenomenon, trying to comprehend something never ever ending. to some it's a foreign...fantastical idea. maybe even deemed as childish. but not me. i believe in it. i live for it.

perhaps, god is a romantic. i believe he is.

i know that he provides us with the chance here on earth to be bound forever to that other, beautiful soul.

forever. makes me weak at the knees. call me a girl, but if that isn't romantic...i don't know what is. one day i'll feel the power of someone being mine. forever-ever-happy-ending-never-ever-ending-mine. mmgh. cute isn't it?

and what about people? the power we have as people.

like that woman i pass on my way home every day. the one that holds the little Caesars sign out on state street. and not only does she hold that sign with zeal, but she dances. No really, she dances...for hours and hours..and hours. she usually performs a series of leg kicks, small bounces and twists of the sign. how much cooler is that than someone just standing there holding up a plastic advertisement that says "five dollar hot and ready pizza"? that is the power i'm talking about. it is the ability to do something you know you don't have to do.

kind of like my cute little nordstrom friend that stopped by work to visit me today. it's like an unsaid may not seem to mean much but somehow holds a power. it's the power of being human, of interaction and part of the grand experience of living in this world.

i feel this power everyday. it leaves me longing, even craving, to find a relationship with everyone i interact with. big or small, i can't let them pass without knowing. otherwise who knows what i'm letting pass me by. whether it's a small chat with the gal giving me my diet coke or enjoying the humor of the olive garden staff...

maybe it's these interactions- the ones that can so easily be passed by- that mean the most. yeah? cheers to nestle cookie dough.


really, it's the hope of what the future will bring and the excitement of tomorrow. my heart goes crazy when i look up from your arms to see you gazing off into the distance. i'm filled with passion for your future. for what i know you will accomplish, for the potential that the world will never be able to deny you. i watch your eyes stare off into the unknown, and i can only sincerely pray, that i can brave that unknown too. you darling make me think these wild, beautiful, crazy things.

and i love it.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

i know you won't.

i saw carrie underwood last night at
stadium of fire.
something about live music is so powerful.
she did this song...
it rocked my world.

seriously can't get over how
she is either...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

just call me texas twister.

today marks the start of my absolute
favorite time of the year.

the fourth of july.
i'm completely 99.4% obsessed.
and in case you don't know this for yourself yet.
listen up one. i repeat.
no one does the fourth like provo.
see it last year here.
my schedule for this weekend is as follows...
saturday july 3:
i'm going to be attending the stadium of fire.
a yearly tradition that i couldn't love more.
carrie underwood is very talented and smokin' hot,
no one can deny it.
sunday july 4:
i will be spending the day at a variety of bbq's.
with friends and family.
then some fireworks later in the day...
i am twitching in anticipation.
monday july 5:
provo's freedom festival. enough said.
4:30 a.m. up to save spots for the parade.
pick up some doughnuts from provo bakery...
parade (one of my favorite parts)
nothing like provo center street during the fourth of july parade.
it's a feeling of patriotism, unity, and happiness.
i eat it up.
next up, street fair.
here i will eat a great deal of food that will make me feel
sick in about twenty minutes.
i can already hear the texas twisters calling my name.
(definition, texas twister: a blend of lemonade, strawberries,
raspberries, lime and other summery goodness.
very sugary. may rot your teeth out.
but oh-so-good.)

face painting, henna tattoo's...they've got it all.

and that, ladies and gentlemen...
is the fourth of july.

dear 4th,
i'm so happy you are here. so happy.
love always,