Tuesday, September 28, 2010

fall is hot.

it's not only the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies
and fall colors up at sundance
that tickle my fancy this time of year.
yeah, you guessed it...
yours truly = a creature of fall fashion.
every year. same story. love and love again.
and this year...
i've got a big fat crush on fall's 'hot' look.

see for yourself. images via h&m
first thing you should know about me:
i encourage denim...

in the right time, and right place.
i loved it's graceful appearance this past summer...
so glad it's sticking around.
and this flight jacket rocks my world.
i confess. i'm a huge sucker for a large knit sweater paired with a
feminine shirt and a good, solid pair of healed boots.
this coat is so classic. and i think i'm going to
hop on-board the glove train quickly here.

this style coat with the boot-cut jean is real, real nice.
hello vest. i've missed you.
and pairing it with a nice hat is
very...hm, i'd say the word for it is 'sassy'.
i'm not completely sure why, but this look is 100%
intriguing to me. i love the 'sporty' mixed with the 'punky'.
creative word choice, i know.
why am i always attracted to the over-sized coats?
i blame it on my full house watching in the 90's...
and yesterday.

day off, meet your new outfit.
looks so comfortable.

love you fall.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

and please tell joey, that christmas will be snowy...

i don't know why this draws me in so...
but i can picture it...
...an apartment in the city.
starting off life the only way we know how.
just loving, with every breathing hour we have.
a good book shelf.
some clean cut lines.
every season of friends.
isn't this apartment lovely?
p.s. the title of this post is from here. gets me everytime.
picture via made by girl

Monday, September 20, 2010

the dragons keep.

i went running a few evenings ago.

nine o'clock perhaps.

there i went. making my way through downtown provo. the weather is heavenly this time of year. enough to make a girl giddy just thinking about it.

a light fall breeze made it's way past me as i ran by the old chinese restaurant. i couldn't help but notice the small asian man inside, wiping down tables and closing up for the night. he didn't see me. but i saw him.

the moment passed. my feet carried me onward. it was so brief. so instantaneous.

it left me wondering.

that lovely little restaurant with the red plastered walls. an average man working the evening shift. working, like everyone else.

what was his story?

what was his thing? was his heart, his dream, in that restaurant? or perhaps, in his family? or in some dream he continually pushes aside for the sake of gas bills and car payments? what pushed him forward day by day? what was the token behind that machine?

was it that infamous recipe his grandmother passed down from generation to generation. the one he hoped to share with the world, leaving a small mark of his grandmother's legacy for us all to swallow and savor...

i continued to run. and i came upon the dragon's keep.

your all-star location for comic books of all types and wizard-ish board games. you know, the kind of place that attracts the dungeons and dragons type crowd.

the autumn colored sky was growing darker and though the store appeared to be closed, i noticed a light towards the back and a room full of boys...men...guys, huddled around a long wood table with large board game covering the surface.

mmmgh. this brought me happiness.

i could picutre it now. the intensity behind that card drawn, that unexpected move made. the sudden appearance of three zombies from behind the hidden corridor and the newly discovered sword of truth now carried by the barbarian more than doubling his strength.

yes, i too, once upon a time...fell under the arresting power of hero's quest.

once the game began, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, i could do but finish.

two weeks later
, i came out victorious against the evil lord zargon.

so, was that their thing?

that form of creation? imagination? strategy? the ability to enter into a whimsical world behind the doors of the dragons keep on 9 p.m thursday nights...

i continued on. running to lil' wayne and eminem. apparently i'm kinda white trash when i run.

the street where i would turn was now in eye's distance, and i began to prep myself for the final stretch of my run.

on my left hand side i noticed an attractive looking couple leaving the italian restaurant on the corner...

they weren't saying anything to each other. in fact, it seemed almost cold as the man walked with just enough distance from the woman, giving off an agitated, lingering awkwardness.

once again, in another brief moment i noticed a gold ring on both their fingers and a spark of held-back sadness in the woman's eyes...a tear? maybe.

i pictured their wedding day. i'm sure that sadness was replaced with a glow of excitement and that uncomfortable distance was more of a "never-being-able-to-get-close-enough" pull at the waist. just imaging the emotions of such a day leave me feeling short of breath.

i'm sure it was just a bad night. a sour topic maybe. a simple disagreement.

it's okay.
that's perfectly fine...i reassured myself. maybe it's my people pleasing obsessiveness coming out to play, but i truly hate seeing such uncomfortable scenes.

i wish, oh-how-i-wish, things could always be pure bliss. but life just wouldn't be life that way. so we've got to work through these harder nights. (in case you haven't already guessed, i'm the type that will pace back and forth, making myself sick until i get to talk something over, discuss a solution, or fix whatever it is i have messed up...)

i ran past, knowing things would be alirght. hopefully. yup. they'd be alright.

because really, that couple...those two keep each other ticking. they are home to one another, especially when the days feel lost and uncomfortable.

they sacrifice, because they love. they give, because they are drawn to. they are each others reason...the passion that keeps them going from day to day.

mmmgh, so that's their thing.

i ran harder. almost as if i was running to something. or to someone. maybe to you.

the increasing rate of my heart was inconsequential to me. and the depth of my breathing echoed through layers of my mind like towering canyon walls. i doubt their was a force on earth that could have stopped me during those few moments.

have you ever run, literally run, after someone or something, that you were terrified to loose? it's an intense experience. world changing. mind blowing really.

what is my thing? i questioned. what is my passion? do i know passion?

my mind flashed to the watering eyes and serene soul of the music professor. that intense connection found behind the gracefully stunning mozart composition. the one that left him speechless, and his students...you, in awe. yes, that is passion.

i ran.

images rushed through my mind of a story from a place far away. a story of orange colors upon end, filling the bleakly sketched streets of country that i personally have never been to. a place of oppression. a town square filled with voices fighting against corruption, for their rights. for a vote, a simple vote. a modern day democratic revolution and an opposition that i doubt i will ever experience. a passion that i can only share through story...through words and admiration. yes, this is passion.

i kept running.

memories of story books and baskets of seashells. holding my grandmother's hand as we walked down the beach. home. my safe place. the place i remember as being worry free and heaven-like. grey clouds floating like ships along the horizon and a chill that caused my teeth to chatter. if i close my eyes, i can see it perfectly. smell. taste. breath. a simple, beautiful love behind a trip the ocean side. yes, this is passion.

i ran harder.

remembering that little boy in front of the class, pulling that black gun from his backpack. a shrill scream from the teacher. but he didn't know. he didn't know what he was doing. for him, it was simply show-n-tell. the feeling of confusion and terror that i can feel and re-live if i try hard enough. where is the little boy now? and what is his thing? did he leave the gun behind? please, please little boy...i pray you left the gun behind. let's go home. tomorrow, you can be anything you dream of. tomorrow, any dream you choose can be yours. yes, this is passion.

i ran, almost to the end

i have a distant but clear memory of being very small and walking through a pure white, yet-to-be dedicated room. a room that would soon be a room of eternity. a place that i knew i would one day go to...in a time when i was much older and in love. and ready to embrace the sealing power of forever. i remember the scene like it was yesterday. even at such a young age, i knew something was different about that room. and i felt the passion that began with knowing my future would one day hold the promise of forever. yes dear, this is passion.

i stopped running.

so, whether you're a chinese restaurant owner, a regular at the dragon's keep, or a couple just doing your best to make it work...we've all got our "thing".

the "thing" that make us who we are.

that defines us from others. it's what we work and fight for every day. whatever that thing is that brings us such passion...

i love it.

in the words of charles dickens, "cows are my passion. what i have ever sighed for has been to retreat to a swiss farm, and live entirely surrounded by cows and china."

see, we all have our thing.

mmmmgh. good run.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

long live the queen. i'll be the king.

this past week has left me...
pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
(please, someone give me a good recipe)
feeling giddy over the
changing leaves.
crazy over this song.
(brilliant lyrics, brilliant melody)
wanting to let my hair go loose and wild.
very attached.
stressed about the
next seven days.
(let's not even think about that)
eating one too many
chocolate covered raisins.
feeling protective.
stuck, with the heal of my shoe in multiple sidewalk cracks.
(yeah, annoying right?)
giving my heart the lead on this one.
wearing this ring, because i love it.
needing sleep.
missing my
lil' neesh, running free in the islands of hawaii.
wanting a
good solid pair of combat boots.
(is it the 90's grunge in me?)
knowing that perfect is boring.
frustrated at my
handicap when playing fast paced card games.
(i promise i'm a smart girl. i am. i am. i am.)
dreaming...just a little...okay, a lot...about the future.

ready for what next week brings.

Monday, September 13, 2010

hello, i've missed you.

my youngest sister left for college.

this was an experience that i'll never, ever forget. one of the oh-so-very-rare, heartbreaking occasions when i saw tears in my father's eyes.

and as i sit here and think of her, getting off that airplane in a new place with different people and fresh situations, i can't help but think back on the time i first ventured out on my own.

it's as scary as hell.

lonely as the dead of night.

and so strangely foreign, you'd think you were born just yesterday...

hold up. i'm not finished.

it is also, the best possible thing an eighteen-year-old girl can do.

for me, that began five years ago. (yeah, i know. five years. i'm getting old). i've heard the spiel; i've heard it often.

and looking back on the kristen that ventured off from home and the kristen that i know now, it's like two different, beautiful worlds. and the priceless lessons i've learned, could have never been had anywhere else...and i feel inclined to share.

so, neesh. this is for you babe

i know a little about growing up, not a lot. but a little.

twenty-two years of it
, looking you straight in the eye.

i don't know anything about marriage
, nope nothing. i know absolutely zilch about raising small children, buying a house, changing air filters, or fixing flat tires (i attempted this by myself once. humorous, yes.)

however, i do know a thing or two about being human. about living, breathing...the basics of putting one foot in front of the other.

i've experienced happiness in some of its highest forms.

basking in an undeniable bliss. the kind where one can't help but just gaze up at the sky, floating with the cool pacific water on your back...knowing that you need to somehow inhale this moment and never breath out. the kind where you're leaning on the trunk of a 98' camry and you realize that it really is love....it's these moments that keep the heart pumping.


like any human being, i've also crawled my way through the roughest, most desperate of days.the darkest of nights. and have nearly drown in the wetness of seemingly endless tears. and that's ok. it's all part of this crazy-little-mixed-up world. the one we love so dearly.

so...what have i learned? okay, well let me tell you...

neesh. dad was right, life isn't fair. but it is so, 100% beautiful.

and whether its the best or the worst, the most important relationship a person can maintain in this random of a world is their relationship with our heavenly father.

yup. it took some trial and error to figure this one out. but this advice, i know to be true.

that being said ducky, don't be afraid to botch things up. because you can always learn from your mistakes. in fact, it's really the only way to keep on moving forward in life. you have to recognize the wrong, make it right and then continue to progress.

when i first left home, i was under some fantastical impression that i would just do everything right the first time. this way, i'd avoid failure and all that comes with it.

fortunately, it didn't take me too long to realize that this notion was pulled straight out from someone's you-know-where. i awoke one morning realizing that the beauty of being human, is that there is continual opportunity for progression.

sweetheart, you're turning the page into a grand new chapter...

and you're going to be writing...well, all of it.

so take my advice...
or don't, your choice.

eat lots of chocolate chip cookies
. especially for breakfast. and especially from kneaders. num num.

never wear blue eye shadow.

always keep a box of midol in-stock. eh-hem.

take every opportunity you have to understand someone new...you never know what you're missing if you don't.

brush your teeth. and floss.

float on your back at sunset beach...close your eyes and listen to the water beat against your ear drums. then think of me.

be confident. you're one of us darling, you're going to kick some a.

remember your family. we'll always be your rock.

love yourself.
know you're beautiful and don't let the world tell you differently. you're rockstar, just the way you are.

listen to an old country rock song when you need to ease the pain...

and call me or si when you need a dirty joke. we're good for that.

little neesh, don't be afraid to fight for love. no matter the outcome, because in my experience (and you know what they are)...in tears of joy or tears of pain, love is worth the fight.

please, please don't be afraid to love with all your spunky heart.

yes, you'll be hurt. and yes, you will cause hurt. i promise. you'll be the victim of heartbreak and also the source. it's just the way the story goes.

because as much as we'd like it to be, love isn't simple.

or perfect. in fact, it's quite far from it. it comes in many shapes and forms. it comes in the broad of day, around the next corner...maybe when you least expect it. but when you find it....mmmmgh, it rocks.

love is finding someone that becomes your home.

honestly, it's the grandest emotion this world will ever know.

love is profound
. and love is so, so naturally sincere. love is worth fighting for. yes, sometimes it will kick your a. and sometime's you'll curse it's name...

but when you find it. and you find that person...it doesn't matter where you are or whats around you...because in their arms, you coudn't feel more at home.

darling, don't grown up too fast.

just take it as it comes, and be eighteen while you're eighteen. be twenty when you're twenty. and don't regret, that's a waste of your time.

in the words of eddie vedder,
i don't want to know your past. but together share the dawn.

see. it doesn't really matter what the past holds. because it's an open road ahead...

go at it.