yes, the rumors are true.
i am now, officially and undeniably, twenty-two years of age.
no, that 'mmmh' is not necessarily one of enjoyment. it's more of a hesitant 'mmmh' with a hint of fear and a prolonged 'h' of excitment.
but good, it is. thanks yoda.
for many of you, you're saying "oh, you're just a baby." and then there are those of you...yeah you guys over in the corner that are thinking, "wow. getting up there aren't we?" nudge. nudge. wink.
so whatever. shake a rattle in my face. squeeze my cheeks. or call me old-timer, but here i am...a bundle of twenty-two years of randomness.
i could easily sit and type out all the lessons i've learned over the past year...i could go on and on regarding lessons of living life, making mistakes, learning to love, and growing up.
but i'm not going to.
nah, i'm not in the mood to linger in the past. hence, i am going to channel all my energy into the future.
here we go.
i have a list. yes indeed. a list of the lovely things i am going to do, accomplish, experience and see in my twenty-second year.
i am going to seattle. don't stop me, because you can't.
it comes so easily for me...i will stroll downtown, take my time browsing through art galleries and record shops. sit on the end of a pier and breath in the ocean salt.
perhaps alone. preferably with a warm arm around me, pulling me in tightly at the waist.
hopefully it will be chilly. i'll pull my button-up coat tighter and let the cold burn my eyes. they'll water. maybe because of the wind. perhaps from tears. we'll never know.
i'll play a little jimmy durante, 'make someone happy' in the background...
and simply live. because that is what living is.
apologize only when an apology is in order or when an "i am sorry" is needed. it's a nasty habit of mine. and it's stopping now. i'm not weak.
i am often inclined to feel that things are my fault even when they're not. it's dumb. i know.
this is one of those 'growing up' chronicle things...one of those harsh truths that i learn with time and age. the age of twenty-two.
branch out with my cold cereals. ah, it's painful just saying it.
this is truly easier said than done. see, it's the raisin bran crunch and frosted mini wheats that have me whipped. every week...same thing, same routine. it's comfortable. i know i like them. i know i love them. so why not?
but here's the problem sparky: i love 'comfortable'. so much in fact that i sometimes forget it's okay to try new things. i cling to what i love and what i trust.
twenty-two is going to be the year when i risk it. i'm not always going to play it safe. take a leap. pick up an off-brand, sugary cereal that you haven't tried before, and fly...
add a cup of skim milk and enjoy.
own what's happening around me. not because i have to. not because it's required. because obviously, it's not. i could let moments pass me by...along with people and opportunities. never knowing what i am missing.
i will do this, because i want to. because i can. because i honestly can't think of a reason why i wouldn't...
because twenty-two is only the beginning of everything else...
express my inconsistencies.
if there is one thing i've learned for certain during my twenty-first year, it is that i change my mind a lot. i like crazy things, and at times i may even be drawn to polar opposites.
let's just say, i'm consistent in my inconsistencies...
odd i know, because i tend to cling to comfort.
there are days when i just want to be clean cut, white shirt, sleek blazer, good pair of heels. safe, comfortable, and chic. then there are those mornings when i throw on a nirvana shirt, load on layers of necklaces, some random bracelets....throw on that same blazer from the day before, some equestrian boots, throw my hair in a messy bun and slip on my san deigo padres hat and call it good.
i'm eclectic in my design tastes, am drawn to wacky artwork and clean lines. i'm romantic on tuesdays, well-behaved on wednesdays, free-spirited on fridays and clingy on sundays...i'm consistently inconsistent.
and i've decided to embrace it.
love without hesitation.
this seems simple, i know. so instead of leaving you completely in the dark. let me briefly explain.
this year has taught me a lot about love. about solid, mixed up, complicated...oh-so-heavenly love.
love, in my experience, has had it's expected delays.
you know, the kind where the orange marquee clearly warns you, 'center street will be closed from 1-5 a.m october 16th..."
...'love will kick your trash on the corner of 'you thought you could make it work' & 'nice try stupid'. so please...proceed with caution.'
and then, of course, it's had it's unexpected detours as well. the ones that throw you off in your innocent course just doing the everyday of the every-single-day.
and these are not always bad.
in fact, sometimes it's the detour roads that end up holding that exact something that you were longing for...
sometimes, it's the unexpected turns that bring you pure love and leave you reaching for the stars, believing in things like you never believed before.
taking that jump, just because nothing is holding you back. and that's where the 100% comes in.
like the beatles say, "let it be."
it's those days. the mother of all days. when i wake up looking about as attractive as the bird lady off of home alone 2, with my breath smelling...well, probably a lot like the pigeon-poop covered bird lady off of home alone 2, with about as much desire to be productive as...well, the bird lady sitting on the park bench throwing crumbs in home alone 2....
one of those days when i look in the mirror and think, "time for a diet, girly." and in actuality...i hate diets and won't ever do it anyways...
so why do i?
let me make you a promise...to the future "mother of all days" of my twenty-second years...i am going to "let it be". because those days will come and those days will pass.
and why waste that kind of time?
this is my twenty-second year. and it's going to rock the world. twice.
this is my list.
my list for a fresh, brand-spankin'-new opportunity. and it feels good.
this twenty-second year...i will be the first to give a toast, and the last to say goodnight.