Thursday, December 30, 2010

watch the queen conquer.

from the time that i was probably fifteen-years-old i have had this molded, pieced-together ideal in my mind of the woman i would one day become (in fact, one of the earliest blueprints of my mind's creation was a 'rebecca donaldson katsopolis'-like-character-of-sorts. i always thought becky was the perfect mix of a feminine and loving woman, spiced up with a a no-nonsense attitude & a slight drizzle of sassy confidence. eh-hem. yes, i really was that obsessed with full house--probably still am.) and though this blueprint has changed drastically over the years, the basic concept has remained the same: a woman who knows who she is.

no, i don't recall an exact experience...nor could i pin-point a specific 'world-being-rocked' moment when this ideal was first sculpted into my mind, but i believe it to be a product of the many strong, beautiful women that have come in and out of my little life story.

people that have made me right.

and with this 'goal' or 'ideal' of mine, there naturally comes a drive to one day obtain it.

standard, right? a law of human existence: when you desire distance, you move. when you see something you want, you go after it. when you want to conquer the world, you formulate a plan. it's that critical movement that defines the goal.

it is the intent and power behind the movement that will build you as a person.

movement can mean many things. you can 'walk'. anyone can walk; a small infant can walk. it's basic. a person can work at achieving a goal. they can "x" off that completed day on their calendar. add up your weight watcher points for that week. check off their to-do's without really thinking about it. mindless.

it is easy to make routine out of the routine (just like our re-make of the friends routine with ross and monica. no not really, that routine rocks). basically--to do what you're supposed' to be doing.

and sure. that works. but don't ask me to condone it, because i won't. it's mediocre. simply walking is not going to get you very far.

sorry, but it's not.

so i ask you friends: why?

why settle for something of moderate quality? why not push yourself? build yourself into something beyond your perceived limitations.

in fact. why not run?

and run far.

stretch your mind farther. work at things you are not comfortable with. step outside of that comfort zone and force yourself to improve. stand out (goofy movie style--if you have no idea what i am talking about, listen to this song)

rock hard. like eddie vedder. (dang he rocks so hard.)

and run and run faster. because i promise you can.

i know i can. i can always move faster. push myself harder. move myself to something grander. the old saying 'you have arrived' means nothing really, because you can always work towards something better. and can be great at something. and that's great. two thumbs up.

but there is always room for improvement. right? am i wrong? please, tell me if i am off base here.

just like our conversation the other day--the world is continually progressing. it's science. it's evolution. call it survival of the fittest if you'd like.

we live in a world of instant answers, click of the mouse, touch of the's fast and it's merciless to those that fall behind. technology is going to improve. industries are going to expand. minds are going to formulate new and innovative creations.

fact: there will always be a forward progression. and don't for a second think you can just sit in a neutral position, because neutral is the new 'fall-behind-and-get-your-a-kicked' position.

you've got to move. and not only move to keep up but move to run--sprint if you have to--with the head of the pack.

and just like you said. it's never not time. never. (now we're getting to the gist of it.)

never is strong. it is bold. it is unforgiving. and you knew that when you said it. you knew what you were saying as you looked me in the eye and said it again and again. down to the very last syllable. perhaps that's why it struck me so whimsically and left me feeling slightly beaten.

you knew the power behind those words, and you said it anyways.

because it's what you truly believe. and you--yourself--live by it.

and the best part is that you see such strength in me.

that right there is why you said it and that's why it pierced at my character. that's why it threatened the very perception i had of myself up until that moment in time.

and i now know--that i don't want anything less.

anais nin once said, "i--with a deeper instinct--choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

i couldn't have ever said it better myself anais nin (who was an author--in case you were wondering). ever. ever. ever.

i love it. love it even more than those holiday-christmas-tree-chocolate-reeses-peanut-butter-cup-things. so freakin' good.

this concept rocks my world. again and again. it hit home, just like those certain things do on rare occasion.

let's look at this deeper. just because i am so in love with it.

'a man who compels my strength'. just like you rogers (just a little movie-tid-bit for ya.)

to 'compel' means to force or to drive. this may seem a bit abrasive to some, but it really isn't. all she is saying is that she will only choose a man who knows her strength and expects her to be a strong individual. someone who will not cradle her or stunt her growth, but allow her to reach as high as she can.

'a man...who makes enormous demands on me'. oh-how-i-love this. and why? because i will choose a man who doesn't expect anything less. who knows what i am capable of and holds me to it. just like i expect of myself.

'a man...who does not doubt my courage or toughness.' eh-hem.

and this is one of my favorite lines. you see, part of the 'ideal' woman that i am working towards includes erasing all doubts that i have in myself. that being said, i want a man who will not doubt in my capabilities either.

"...who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

my man will treat me like a person. a person that he goes to for opinions and advice. an equal. someone he trusts and looks up to.

this is what i want. and this is what i choose.

no, i'm not a feminist. i'll take my man's name and i'll be a loving and devoted wife.

i will raise my children and love every moment of it. i will be the housewife. the one that volunteers with the pta and drives my children from voice lessons to soccer practice, taking them their sack lunches when they leave them on the kitchen counters during the morning fury.

i will teach my children everything i can. and probably screw up a time or two (thousand)...and for the rest of it i will humbly try to leave for my father in heaven. i know he will be the one with the answers for the questions i can't seem to find an answer to (which will be a great dea).

i don't expect to change the world. no, i'm not going to flatter myself here.

and i doubt i will do anything to alter the course of human existence as we know it.

but hold up. because you better believe that with whatever i choose to do, i will give it my all. because this is the new me. the me that you helped me find. the me that you forced me to take a deeper, longer, more honest look into.

....the me that i was to scared to face without you.

and now you've helped me become just that much closer to the rebecca-donaldson-katsopolis blueprint that i was working on in such detail.

thank you. thank you for not only believing in me but for compelling my strength and having the courage to treat me like a woman.

for looking me in the eye even when you knew it wasn't what i wanted to hear. and for teaching me to not be scared of who i am.

just like our girl nicki minaj says, "you can be the king, but watch the queen conquer".

get ready. get set. let's go.

watch me.

because this is what i choose.

thanks kanye.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

how the nativity goes down at our house.

i really don't think any descriptions are needed here.

hope you all had a
merry christmas!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

the return of aubry ann.

it's been a year and a half since this little bundle of joy left us...

my best-est friend in the whole entire world. aubry ann.

seriously, i can not believe that she is already coming home (she's been serving a mission for the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints)

when she left, i was sure that i would take mind-blowing strides in my life, make small-country sized improvements, and would have traveled the world and lived with indigenous tribes of south america by the time she returned.

but i am not quite there yet.

and that's okay.

i'm excited for my friend to be home. to once again have her as a part of my life.

there was a time that we were inseparable. our first years of college were a time of trial and error. experimentation and naivety. we weren't really sure what was going on. but in a way...that made it more enjoyable.

there are times i can't help but miss those days.

we have seen each other through everthing. bad haircuts, fashion mishaps, crushed hearts, first kisses, lots of heart-cookies, and so many countless 4 a.m. nights of laughing, talking, confiding and just being each other's besties.

aubry and i are complete opposites. she has dark hair. mine is light. she has skin that literally burns the instant it's hit by the sun. mine soaks up rays like a sponge.

she is blunt. i am pleaser.

she thinks she can dance like a black person. but in actuality, i am the one who can lay down the ghetto moves like a sista' from the hood (and anyone who knows either of us knows that neither of us have any such skill)

but we dream.

aubry is tall. i am short. aubry could beat me up (and at times i make her so mad she almost did).

but when the time arose to be there for one another...we always were. i had her back. and she had mine.

we would get in long, extensive debates (and that's the nice way of putting it). our friends might call them 'arguments'....'verbal bashes'....'fist fights'...all the same really. needless to say, we definitely had our differences.

and somehow, we work so dang well together.

cheers to that.

cheers to more nights of meaningless chatter, rewinding the ending scene of pride and prejudice eleven times just so we could feel like we were that in love...and being the rockstar people that we are.

love you aubry.

what should we do tonight?
what we do every night...try to take over the world!
-pinky and the brain (aubry's go-to quote)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

middle earth.

this week is christmas. i know, right? what the h.?

how did that sneak up on us?

time flies.

this week i couldn't stop listening to sister golden hair. i'm not sure why. memories, i guess. tuscon. desert heat. those turtles. and an airplane ride home.

looking out that window at dry earth so far below. wondering, just wondering what would come next.

this week was all about people.

i saw people from my past. from the day before. from nowhere. from that moment on. and that was enough.

i loved it. i really couldn't get enough.

this week i put on a small black dress and sequined peep-toe shoes, curled my blond hair and applied some waterviolet lip shade.

a night out.

yes, i am definitely a dress-up kind of girl.

this week i came home, took of those sequined heels and formal dress. washed the make-up from my face and looked up into the mirror...and i was still beautiful.

my pajamas went on, socks pulled up over my sweats. cause' i'm a cozy-in-my-fluffy-socks with a good chick flick kind-of-girl.

mmmgh. yeah.

this week i realized that i really don't want to be thirty-three and single. pllleeeaaasssee. pretty please. i'd rather pluck my eyes out with a chop stick before i get to that point.

this week i watched lord of the rings one morning at the gym.

yeah, i had totally forgotten how whimsical those movies are. really though. they are so insanely good. perhaps i will watch them all over break.

anyone down for a little middle-earth marathon?

this week i almost cried when thinking about seattle. okay, not really.

but i do need to go there. and i will.


why? because something is there. something is calling me. i don't think i will ever be complete without it.

this week i called someone out on posing as a radiohead fan. unfortunately for them, they didn't realize before speaking that i could pwn on them.

and seriously, if i know more about radiohead then you, and you're claiming to be die-hard...then we've got a problem. i know what a true fan looks like.

and i'm not going to claim to be one. and they shouldn't have either.

this week was simple. and beautiful.

this week had it's ups and downs. but mostly up's.

this week i was so, so tired.

this week i grew insanely fond of sleeping on that little memory foam pad.

this week i read some of my old poetry and found my watercolor brush. this week i thought about potential and selling yourself short.

this week i thought about you.

and this week i prayed. for so many reasons. for so many things. but mainly....just to talk. to talk to someone who knows me better than i know myself.

and that right this week.

nighty night.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

i wish i was a sailor, with someone who waited for me.

sure, i will admit it: i'm overwhelmed.

not just moderately overwhelmed. but the actual conquered and defeated, flag raised up in desperate surrender-kind-of-overwhelmed.

but i hate, hate focusing on that. because the truth is, i will figure it out. i will get over it. and if i were to sit tonight and complain and cry about my troubles...i would only regret it tomorrow.

if i am strong. then i will look back with gratitude and maybe give myself a pat on the back.

so for now, we'll leave it at that.

before i sign off, i suggest you watch the "classy christmas" episode of the office from last week. (really though, i can't get over how well written it was)

and perhaps, listen to this song by my boy eddie vedder. i love the lyrics. hence, the title of this post.

hm. and maybe even treat yourself to a little kanye west "monster" from his new album. fair warning: only listen to the 'clean' version. it's way better anyways.

remember that family is number one.

and please.
just close your eyes as someone you love embraces you. feel the comfort and security. maybe shed a tear if you need to.

that's why they are there. and they love you.

and finally, look for any possible reason to wear your new faux fur earwarmer from urban outfitters.

because it's rockstar.

so long white flag, tomorrow is a new day.

over and out.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

neesh, a little bit.

my lil' sister neesh is coming home
for the holidays this friday.
and i couldn't be more excited!
she is basically a rockstar.
with the most bad-a hair out of all of us.
and the most sass.
love you neeshy.

Monday, December 13, 2010

a mistake is beside the point,
for once anything happens it authentically is.

john cage

Saturday, December 11, 2010

we're elves. with attitude.

need some holiday movie ideas?
here are my top ten favorites:
straight from the keen holiday collection.
(and not judge my overall taste of movies off of the selection i am about to give you. christmas movies fall in a very different category of entertainment for me...
wait, what am i saying?
these movies rock! judge all you want!)

1. christmas with the kranks.
tim allen and jamie lee curtis.
the santa claus meets christmas vacation.
great for the whole family. witty script, entertaining yet simple plot. enjoyable time and time again.

2. unlikely angel.
dolly parton.
call it a 'one woman show'. call it a 'voluptuous success'.
originally made for tv, unlikely angel is a heartwarming story about ruby diamond, a struggling country singer, who dies in a sudden car crash and will not be let into heaven without completing one final task on earth....
what could it be? you ask. you're going to have to watch to find out.
(be watching for the choir scene at the end...her slit goes up to Timbuktu and honestly, i don't have words big enough to express my feelings on those two darlings on her chest.)

3. a boyfriend for christmas
kelli williams and patrick muldoon
a dynamic duo.
this sweet tale is a hallmark original movie that i was blessed to come across a number of years ago. filmed in salt lake, it really hits close to home (get it? because salt lake is very close to home...) because i can't say it any better, i'd like to quote the imdb tagline for this film.
eh hem.
"on christmas day, santa brings to lonely people together.
but can love overcome deception?"
intriguing, right?
let's just say...when i do have a bfs at christmas time, for their own sanity's sake, they should probably just learn to love this flick. because it's most definitely not going anywhere.

4. i'll be home for christmas.
johnathan taylor thomas.
um. yes. a hunk, a hunk of burning christmas luuuuuv.
and for you guys out there, jessica biel co-stars. and though it is back in her 'seventh heaven' days (pre-2005 when esquire magazine named her the sexiest woman alive) she's still looking pretty fine.
seriously some long-lasting family quotes pulled from that movie.

5. elf
will ferrell.
what's a christmas gram? i want one.
this film will forever be deemed as a holiday classic.
i can't think of anything that tops it.

6. a very tanner christmas (holiday episode of full house)
full of the usual tanner-clan excitement, drama and life lessons...
this christmas at the tanners is one that i watch every year.
stephanie and michelle have gone gift crazy, d.j. and steve have a temporary but painful break-up, becky misses her traditional white christmas back home in nebraska (but don't worry ladies, uncle jesse--a.k.a our very own 90's icon romeo-licious--will surprise her with another all-star romantic gesture) and danny gets a little christmas surprise of his own when vicki shows up to their holiday party dressed in a santa suit.
man, how do you top a story-line like that? full house has it going on!

7. it's a wonderful life
james stewart.
obviously i couldn't leave this one off. it's so classic.
really though, i have always loved this movie.
who doesn't?
"look daddy. teacher says, everytime a bell rings an angel get's it's wings..."
attaboy clarence.

8. the one with the creepy holiday card
friends christmas episode
so freakin' good.
you need, need, need to see this one if you haven't.
ross really shines in this episode...
one of my favorite quotes:
you gave her a key to you apartment?
"not just a key...i gave her the only key!
i am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship!"

9. the one with the holiday armadillo
another friends christmas episode...
you have to see this one too.
"ben, why don't you go open some presents,
while santa, the armadillo and i have a little talk in the kitchen.
now there's a sentence i never thought i'd say."

10. the santa clause
tim allen.
i wasn't a huge fan of the second or third,
but the first 'santa clause' will forever be a favorite of mine.
it kind of makes me want to be an elf.
"we're your worst nightmare. we're elves with attitude."
you've got to love that sass.

....and there you have it.
my top ten holiday movie/show choices.

merry christmas.

Friday, December 3, 2010

jacob f.

to the girl.

do you remember when you were little?

back in the day. those innocent times. when anything pink meant beautiful and
calorie was a gibberish word that you only heard your mother say.

those blissful days when the boys would chase you on the playground just for sport (i still remember the recess period when jacob f. -my long time elementary school crush- chose to chase me down and carry me back to the prison under the monkey bars. oh what a glorious day. at that time, a gesture like that practically screamed i love was monumental really. and don't think i didn't read into it, because i totally did.)

times were so simple.

back when barbie dolls were still barbie dolls. and "bratz" would have been classified as socially taboo. (seriously, if "bratz" dolls had existed back when i was of doll-playing-age, there would have been no way in you know where that my mom would have allowed them in our house.)

being a little girl was magical.

everything was good. and love was perfect and clear.

at that point, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that fairytale's were true and real.

not even a question.

it was just part of life. like having a heart that beats or needing food to keep from starving. fairytales just fit so rhythmically into the beat of life.

a catchy tale mixed in with a handsome prince and an evil step-mother, topped off with some happily ever after. why the h. not, right?

as a little girl, i figured...that was just the way it worked.

but eventually little girls all grow into women. and as time goes on we start to question love. and tales of prince's and sunsets and white horses. with time, we start to doubt their existence.

the notion of prince charming becomes not-so-charming anymore.

and the notion of a white horse becomes much less novel and more just like a smelly, dirty horse with gnats circling up its nostrils.

i'm not sure what it is. a harsh blow of reality? the truth finally coming out? having the sense knocked into us maybe...but it happens.

we watch as relationships around us change, for better and for worse. we witness as people and situations take various turns, and as feelings of love grow and flourish...disintegrate and disappear.

it's enough to bring a girl to tears. wishing we could go back to the days when we knew prince charming would come carry us to a castle of our own, where everything would be peachy and sparkly.

it's a childish notion. i realize.

in fact, i confess. you get me in a setting where my values of being a woman are questioned, and there is no way you will get me talking about fairytales or waiting on a man...or anything of the sorts.

i will act tough. and i will act as if i could care less.

but here is the thing.

i do care.

eh hem.

ladies, i'm not going to sit here and tell you that fairytales are real.
one, because that would be stupid. and two, because that isn't the point of me writing today.

these stories change for every individual.

in fact, i talked to a girl the other day who was soon to be married. she claimed that they 'just knew' (p.s. i kind of despise that phrase) and said that he 'asked and she said yes'.

of course, i congratulated her. and gave her my best wishes.

but what i really wanted to do was grab her bony shoulders and shake her hard while yelling in her face how lucky she was. just to make sure she fully understand that she is, for some unknown reason, special enough to have a relationship where two people, from two different worlds....two different, separate lives...come together and 'just know' that marriage was in their cards. just that easy. sha-freakin'-zam.

it happens.

more than you think.

in fact, i hear it time and time again. is this a fairytale? sure. clock strikes midnight and let's all turn into pumpkins. yipee.

but that's not how it works for me. not then. not now. not ever.

maybe it's because i'm so bad a.

or perhaps it is because that's what i am subconsciously drawn to or maybe i just like the thrill of the chase and then watching things crash and burn. maybe i do it to myself. maybe they do it to me. maybe it's all a joke.

whatever it is. it's not a happy-go-lucky amy adams meets dr. mcdreamy type thing.


so. here is what i have to say today.

to all you girls who fall in that 'lucky' category (she's so lucky, she's a star...but she cries, cries, cries in her lonely heart thinking...if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night. da-da-da-da...a little britney spears action there for ya) any-who, to the lucky ones: congrats. go live up your fairy tales and have a merry christmas.

we envy you. you girls that are left, like me. us. "the unlucky" ones: it will come.

maybe not on a white horse.

and no, probably not involving any sort poison apple or glass slipper....

but it will happen. the time will come.

sure, you will brace yourself for pain. for another broken heart. because that is what you know. you will curl up in bed at night and slowly breath in and out to keep the tears from coming.

you'll prepare for the worst but hope and pray and cry for the best.

because that is what we do. right ladies?

just like when we were little girls, running from jacob f. on the playground...we still believe in love. oh-how-we believe in it.

no matter how many times you are hurt. no matter how many times you love so hard and then watch it all drive away...we still love. crazy, eh?

god blessed us that way.

we love easily.

and though time and experience may leave us mocking the existence of fairy tales.

there will always be that small hope that we will find one of our own. and we will never stop loving.

nope. never.

the end.