Friday, December 3, 2010

jacob f.

to the girl.

do you remember when you were little?

back in the day. those innocent times. when anything pink meant beautiful and
calorie was a gibberish word that you only heard your mother say.

those blissful days when the boys would chase you on the playground just for sport (i still remember the recess period when jacob f. -my long time elementary school crush- chose to chase me down and carry me back to the prison under the monkey bars. oh what a glorious day. at that time, a gesture like that practically screamed i love was monumental really. and don't think i didn't read into it, because i totally did.)

times were so simple.

back when barbie dolls were still barbie dolls. and "bratz" would have been classified as socially taboo. (seriously, if "bratz" dolls had existed back when i was of doll-playing-age, there would have been no way in you know where that my mom would have allowed them in our house.)

being a little girl was magical.

everything was good. and love was perfect and clear.

at that point, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that fairytale's were true and real.

not even a question.

it was just part of life. like having a heart that beats or needing food to keep from starving. fairytales just fit so rhythmically into the beat of life.

a catchy tale mixed in with a handsome prince and an evil step-mother, topped off with some happily ever after. why the h. not, right?

as a little girl, i figured...that was just the way it worked.

but eventually little girls all grow into women. and as time goes on we start to question love. and tales of prince's and sunsets and white horses. with time, we start to doubt their existence.

the notion of prince charming becomes not-so-charming anymore.

and the notion of a white horse becomes much less novel and more just like a smelly, dirty horse with gnats circling up its nostrils.

i'm not sure what it is. a harsh blow of reality? the truth finally coming out? having the sense knocked into us maybe...but it happens.

we watch as relationships around us change, for better and for worse. we witness as people and situations take various turns, and as feelings of love grow and flourish...disintegrate and disappear.

it's enough to bring a girl to tears. wishing we could go back to the days when we knew prince charming would come carry us to a castle of our own, where everything would be peachy and sparkly.

it's a childish notion. i realize.

in fact, i confess. you get me in a setting where my values of being a woman are questioned, and there is no way you will get me talking about fairytales or waiting on a man...or anything of the sorts.

i will act tough. and i will act as if i could care less.

but here is the thing.

i do care.

eh hem.

ladies, i'm not going to sit here and tell you that fairytales are real.
one, because that would be stupid. and two, because that isn't the point of me writing today.

these stories change for every individual.

in fact, i talked to a girl the other day who was soon to be married. she claimed that they 'just knew' (p.s. i kind of despise that phrase) and said that he 'asked and she said yes'.

of course, i congratulated her. and gave her my best wishes.

but what i really wanted to do was grab her bony shoulders and shake her hard while yelling in her face how lucky she was. just to make sure she fully understand that she is, for some unknown reason, special enough to have a relationship where two people, from two different worlds....two different, separate lives...come together and 'just know' that marriage was in their cards. just that easy. sha-freakin'-zam.

it happens.

more than you think.

in fact, i hear it time and time again. is this a fairytale? sure. clock strikes midnight and let's all turn into pumpkins. yipee.

but that's not how it works for me. not then. not now. not ever.

maybe it's because i'm so bad a.

or perhaps it is because that's what i am subconsciously drawn to or maybe i just like the thrill of the chase and then watching things crash and burn. maybe i do it to myself. maybe they do it to me. maybe it's all a joke.

whatever it is. it's not a happy-go-lucky amy adams meets dr. mcdreamy type thing.


so. here is what i have to say today.

to all you girls who fall in that 'lucky' category (she's so lucky, she's a star...but she cries, cries, cries in her lonely heart thinking...if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night. da-da-da-da...a little britney spears action there for ya) any-who, to the lucky ones: congrats. go live up your fairy tales and have a merry christmas.

we envy you. you girls that are left, like me. us. "the unlucky" ones: it will come.

maybe not on a white horse.

and no, probably not involving any sort poison apple or glass slipper....

but it will happen. the time will come.

sure, you will brace yourself for pain. for another broken heart. because that is what you know. you will curl up in bed at night and slowly breath in and out to keep the tears from coming.

you'll prepare for the worst but hope and pray and cry for the best.

because that is what we do. right ladies?

just like when we were little girls, running from jacob f. on the playground...we still believe in love. oh-how-we believe in it.

no matter how many times you are hurt. no matter how many times you love so hard and then watch it all drive away...we still love. crazy, eh?

god blessed us that way.

we love easily.

and though time and experience may leave us mocking the existence of fairy tales.

there will always be that small hope that we will find one of our own. and we will never stop loving.

nope. never.

the end.


  1. i loved this post.

  2. I dont know if you would appreciate it as much if I stole you away and "locked" you behind monkey bars. Perhaps, though, you would let me fight for you? But would you fight for you?

    Would you give me that chance?

    Fairy-tales are as real as we want to believe in them.


from keen.