from the time that i was probably fifteen-years-old i have had this molded, pieced-together ideal in my mind of the woman i would one day become (in fact, one of the earliest blueprints of my mind's creation was a 'rebecca donaldson katsopolis'-like-character-of-sorts. i always thought becky was the perfect mix of a feminine and loving woman, spiced up with a a no-nonsense attitude & a slight drizzle of sassy confidence. eh-hem. yes, i really was that obsessed with full house--probably still am.) and though this blueprint has changed drastically over the years, the basic concept has remained the same: a woman who knows who she is.
no, i don't recall an exact experience...nor could i pin-point a specific 'world-being-rocked' moment when this ideal was first sculpted into my mind, but i believe it to be a product of the many strong, beautiful women that have come in and out of my little life story.
people that have made me right.
and with this 'goal' or 'ideal' of mine, there naturally comes a drive to one day obtain it.
standard, right? a law of human existence: when you desire distance, you move. when you see something you want, you go after it. when you want to conquer the world, you formulate a plan. it's that critical movement that defines the goal.
it is the intent and power behind the movement that will build you as a person.
movement can mean many things. you can 'walk'. anyone can walk; a small infant can walk. it's basic. a person can work at achieving a goal. they can "x" off that completed day on their calendar. add up your weight watcher points for that week. check off their to-do's without really thinking about it. mindless.
it is easy to make routine out of the routine (just like our re-make of the friends routine with ross and monica. no not really, that routine rocks). basically--to do what you're supposed' to be doing.
and sure. that works. but don't ask me to condone it, because i won't. it's mediocre. simply walking is not going to get you very far.
sorry, but it's not.
so i ask you friends: why?
why settle for something of moderate quality? why not push yourself? build yourself into something beyond your perceived limitations.
in fact. why not run?
and run far.
stretch your mind farther. work at things you are not comfortable with. step outside of that comfort zone and force yourself to improve. stand out (goofy movie style--if you have no idea what i am talking about, listen to this song)
rock hard. like eddie vedder. (dang he rocks so hard.)
and run and run faster. because i promise you can.
i know i can. i can always move faster. push myself harder. move myself to something grander. the old saying 'you have arrived' means nothing really, because you can always work towards something better. and yes...you can be great at something. and that's great. two thumbs up.
but there is always room for improvement. right? am i wrong? please, tell me if i am off base here.
just like our conversation the other day--the world is continually progressing. it's science. it's evolution. call it survival of the fittest if you'd like.
we live in a world of instant answers, click of the mouse, touch of the screen...it's fast and it's merciless to those that fall behind. technology is going to improve. industries are going to expand. minds are going to formulate new and innovative creations.
fact: there will always be a forward progression. and don't for a second think you can just sit in a neutral position, because neutral is the new 'fall-behind-and-get-your-a-kicked' position.
you've got to move. and not only move to keep up but move to run--sprint if you have to--with the head of the pack.
and just like you said. it's never not time. never. (now we're getting to the gist of it.)
never is strong. it is bold. it is unforgiving. and you knew that when you said it. you knew what you were saying as you looked me in the eye and said it again and again. down to the very last syllable. perhaps that's why it struck me so whimsically and left me feeling slightly beaten.
you knew the power behind those words, and you said it anyways.
because it's what you truly believe. and you--yourself--live by it.
and the best part is that you see such strength in me.
that right there is why you said it and that's why it pierced at my character. that's why it threatened the very perception i had of myself up until that moment in time.
and i now know--that i don't want anything less.
anais nin once said, "i--with a deeper instinct--choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."
i couldn't have ever said it better myself anais nin (who was an author--in case you were wondering). ever. ever. ever.
i love it. love it even more than those holiday-christmas-tree-chocolate-reeses-peanut-butter-cup-things. so freakin' good.
this concept rocks my world. again and again. it hit home, just like those certain things do on rare occasion.
let's look at this deeper. just because i am so in love with it.
'a man who compels my strength'. just like you rogers (just a little movie-tid-bit for ya.)
to 'compel' means to force or to drive. this may seem a bit abrasive to some, but it really isn't. all she is saying is that she will only choose a man who knows her strength and expects her to be a strong individual. someone who will not cradle her or stunt her growth, but allow her to reach as high as she can.
'a man...who makes enormous demands on me'. oh-how-i-love this. and why? because i will choose a man who doesn't expect anything less. who knows what i am capable of and holds me to it. just like i expect of myself.
'a man...who does not doubt my courage or toughness.' eh-hem.
and this is one of my favorite lines. you see, part of the 'ideal' woman that i am working towards includes erasing all doubts that i have in myself. that being said, i want a man who will not doubt in my capabilities either.
"...who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."
my man will treat me like a person. a person that he goes to for opinions and advice. an equal. someone he trusts and looks up to.
this is what i want. and this is what i choose.
no, i'm not a feminist. i'll take my man's name and i'll be a loving and devoted wife.
i will raise my children and love every moment of it. i will be the housewife. the one that volunteers with the pta and drives my children from voice lessons to soccer practice, taking them their sack lunches when they leave them on the kitchen counters during the morning fury.
i will teach my children everything i can. and probably screw up a time or two (thousand)...and for the rest of it i will humbly try to leave for my father in heaven. i know he will be the one with the answers for the questions i can't seem to find an answer to (which will be a great dea).
i don't expect to change the world. no, i'm not going to flatter myself here.
and i doubt i will do anything to alter the course of human existence as we know it.
but hold up. because you better believe that with whatever i choose to do, i will give it my all. because this is the new me. the me that you helped me find. the me that you forced me to take a deeper, longer, more honest look into.
....the me that i was to scared to face without you.
and now you've helped me become just that much closer to the rebecca-donaldson-katsopolis blueprint that i was working on in such detail.
thank you. thank you for not only believing in me but for compelling my strength and having the courage to treat me like a woman.
for looking me in the eye even when you knew it wasn't what i wanted to hear. and for teaching me to not be scared of who i am.
just like our girl nicki minaj says, "you can be the king, but watch the queen conquer".
get ready. get set. let's go.
because this is what i choose.