Tuesday, July 26, 2011

the growing up chronicles. revived.

how do you know you're growing up?

how do you know that you are no longer a kid?

does it just happen one day?

one day when you realize that you would rather hang out with your grandparents for the weekend than the tragically hip 'up-and-coming-name-dropping-know-every-cool-cat-around' boys of provo.

or perhaps the day when you realize you're perfectly content with eating your delicious chicken tacos alone, with your own thoughts, musings, and time to ponder...

that salsa is num-num-a-freakin'-num-num.

growing up.

maybe, it is that night when you have a sleepover up at your parents house with your best friend. twenty-three-years-old and you still lean on each other for an escape from the craze of a singles race that you'd rather not be a part of but are forced to run in. faster than you would like.

at times you sprint. at times you burn out. and you lean on each other for the same comfort you knew when you were fifteen.

it could be, that you know you're grown up when you fall in love.

and it doesn't work.

and then you fall in love again.

and maybe, maybe that doesn't work either.

so you fall in love again. and when that doesn't work, by now you've learned to cry about it. vacuum up the pieces. maybe save a few of them. hope for the best and move along.

eh, growing up?

i'm thinking it is a responsibility thing. when you start taking full responsibility for your own life, your own actions, mistakes, troubles, personality flaws...

when your realize that you too are a very difficult human being. that you are not perfect. you are tough. and you are often at fault.

or maybe it's when you start using websites like mint.com (p.s. i recommend that site to everyone. and their aunt. and their neighbor's cousin. because that website rocks my world.)

responsible, eh? ha ha.

having a website monitor all my finances because really...i'm just not very good at it. these are times when i love technology so freakin' much.

maybe it's when you wake up to an empty house. because all your roommates are in lake powell. so you clean the filthy-on-the-brink-of-being-a-health-code-violation kitchen that you rarely-if-ever use and vacuum your over sized family room. fluff the pillows. bleach the counters. dust the gross, hard-to-reach-places just like mom would do. the places you would have tried to brush past unnoticed when you were a teenager.

it could also be that afternoon you spend at the pool, and you just can't stop noticing how damn cute all these little two year-olds running around in the kiddy pool are.

especially that one little guy. with the bright-as-can-possibly-be blonde hair, the big blue eyes, and the perma-smile that never leaves his charming little face.

and you want that.

so, which is it? when can you officially say, 'yup, i'm grown up.'

i'm not really sure.

is anyone?

in the words of gus from lars and the real girl (one of my favorite parts of the whole movie)...

when asked by lars how he knew he was an adult he responds, "well, it's not like you're one thing or the other, okay? there's still a kid inside but you grow up when you decide to do right, okay, and not what's right for you, what's right for everybody, even when it hurts...

...like, you know, like, you don't jerk people around, you know, and you don't cheat on your woman, and you take care of your family, you know, and you admit when you're wrong, or you try to, anyways. that's all i can think of, you know. it sound like it's easy and for some reason it's not."

for some reason, it's just not.

but one day, one day maybe i will just know.

and then again.

maybe i won't.

Monday, July 25, 2011

yes, okay. i love parades.

people often question it.
sometimes they just don't understand...
but i love parades...

streets of blissfully happy people.
cheering at...nothing really.
cheerleaders. shimmering floats. and marching bands.
celebrating freedom. celebrating tradition. celebrating life.
yup, i see nothing not to love about that.
the 'soul' choir of pioneers.
a crowd favorite of the morning.
we're so cultural.
honestly, it isn't hard getting aubs to go with me...
she loves parades just about as much as i do.
dangerous words.
be careful what you demand out of life.
thank goodness for our pioneer heritage.
days of 47'.
i took a couple shots of the new blue lemon restaurant.
at the new city creek center.
which is already blowing my mind.

there you have it.
we do what we do. and we love it.

the woman.

"the woman who follows the crowd
will usually go no further
than the crowd...
the woman who walks alone
is likely to find herself in places
no one has ever been before."
-albert einstein

Thursday, July 21, 2011

jessica and ash bettenay.

as fate would have it...
i stumbled across my future today on design sponge.
yes, it was made manifest to me,
through the work of jessica and ash bettenay.
have a look.
straight up,
i really couldn't have imagined this dining area any more perfect.
even in my wildest dreams.
artwork. simplicity. texture. character. beautiful wood floors.
and that little girl is for sure mine as well.
really people. this is how my future will look.
they just got to it before i did.
um. yes. please.
i'm just a tiny bit in love with the tent
and the pirate flag.
mmgh, yup. i'm sure of it.
my future indeed.

thank you jessica and ash.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

walkin' tall machine gun man.

"...ain't found a way to kill me yet.
eyes burn with stinging sweat,
seems every path leads me to nowhere."
-rooster, alice in chains

such a freakin' good song. kinda makes me feel crazy.
try running to to this bad-a song. seriously.
it's a crying shame layne staley had to overdose.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

i just kinda died for you.

everyone needs a home.

a place to run when the world and the truth hurt too much. a place to find a worn-out pillow to cry into. a place where you can look through your old homecoming and prom dresses just for a smile or two.

a haven. where you can listen to melancholy music about wounds and healing hearts.

a place where one of your sisters--without question--will make you chocolate chip cookies. and let you eat a good majority of the dough. just because they love you.


a place where no words necessarily need to be said. and deep breaths can be taken.

where judgement will not get the best of you.

and love comes without any cost.

it is a place where secrets can be told. and some remain kept.

a place where you'll take late night diet-coke-and-apple-pie-runs to mickey-d's. and you'll stay for days on end. just because you need something and you're not sure what it is.

a place where there is no need to feel lost.

and where your stomach doesn't have to hurt.


a little piece of happiness where you can quote baby mama and laugh until your sides ache.

where you are always welcomed by a big green sofa. and a blow-up mattress in the dance room.

yup, that's home.

and everyone needs a home.

p.s. how in love are you with this tree house? i want to live in it so bad.

p.s.s. does anyone know what song lyrics the title of this post come from? (without cheating of course) it's a good one.

i just kinda died for you. you just kinda stared at me.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

you wonder what perfect looks like?

yup, here you go.
...i'm so-crazy-attracted to this bedroom.

me + industrial chandelier + cozy bed + tired saturday night = happy.

to:_____ from: keen.

to the seven-eleven worker i had so-selfishly neglected for much, much too long.

thank you for remembering me. thank you for your always smiling face and forever changing facial hair (seriously it's impressive how creative you get with your goatee and sideburns).

to the old woman in the downtown elevator.

if you hadn't 'accidentally' pressed every floor button, i wouldn't have such an entertaining and oh-so-very-claustrophobic story to tell. i appreciate that.

to my new friend who loves luxury cars and st. bernards.

real quick, be honest....

to sleep. oh-how-i-seriously-love-you.

i just wish you'd come easier to me. seriously, how-on-earth did my roommate and i sleep through all five of our alarms yesterday? how does that even happen?

to the females of arlington. eh-hem.

when a licensed medical professional tells you your tan has reached a dangerously-unhealthy level. maybe, just maybe you should listen. come on girls, really?

is extreme superficiality really that important?

freakin' paranormal activity going on around this place.

to the old friend i don't get to see very often.
who always stays the same.

i missed you.

to shaun t.
you're honestly killing me on a daily basis.

i kind of hate you and yet, i keep coming back. i've never seen such 'insane' quick results with anything i've ever done. you rock.

to joe.

the owner of my new and favorite provo-hole-in-the-wall mexican food joint (well not so much a 'hole' as it is the second half of a dirty smoke shop). best chicken burrito ever. thank you for the two free baskets of chips and your kick-a salsa. i don't even care if that means i am too much of a regular there.

so freakin' good.

to the way my hair has become exceptionally wavy with intense amounts of chlorine and sun exposure. yeah, i kind of love you.

so free and careless.

to aerosmith. dude, looks like a lady.

to laguna beach re-runs
. huzzah. (i'm such a silly girl sometimes.)

to heat waves. and campfires. happy hour at sonic. and endless bottles of water
(seriously, so crazy dehydrated lately)
. to happiness. to friends that stick by you even when you are difficult (yes, me. i can be a difficult human being). to no expectations. and thinking outside the box. to cozy beds and canyon drives to the lake. to playful banter. growing up. and allowing yourself to breath.

to deciding if it's forever. and knowing that no one could do it better.

yes, to all of you.


from keen.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

m.k. and a.

confession. i used to think that only certain accomplishments and certain achievements could bring real happiness.

this embarrassingly naive notion came from my somewhat fantastical view of society and of life.

honestly. i blame it on the one-too-many-mk-and-a (mary kate and ashley) movies i watched in my tweens.

paris. atlantis. australia.

those twins did it all. and always, always ended up with a new-and-oh-so-charming boyfriend by the end of it.

props girls. props.

and it took a few hard-b-slaps across the face. but eventually i realized, life just isn't that way.

there is no easy answer to finding happiness.

i wish i could make it plain and simple. oh, yeah money will bring you everlasting bliss. yeah, just get a lot of that.


or. yes darling, fall head-over-heels-in-love. that will bring you forever and ever-never-ending happiness and solve all your problems while you're at it.

i mean, i'm not to saying that it can't.

but these things come with no guarantee.

ask my friend with two children. whose husband just up-and-left one day.

sadly, there is no mathematically based formula for a happy life. (and honestly that is probably a good thing because i suck hard-core at math. ask my statistics professor.)



i am writing today with a message. a lesson i learned in the past forty-eight-ish hours.

a lesson. i want and need to share with anyone feeling that you could be happier in life. anyone who feels a lack of. or that something may be missing.

to the brilliant mind who once told me we could never be content with life because of the gap between reality and perfection that we cannot bridge.

to my dear friend who feels lost in life. who is not quite sure where they want to be.

to the beautiful blue-eyed girl i don't really know all that well. that came home crying tonight.

yes, to all of you.

i'm in your same boat.

yup. in fact, i am rowing right along side of ya.

and though i don't have any formulaic answers for you. i do have this.

a quote. by sharon g. larsen.

"...when we determine within ourselves that we will be the best we can possibly be, the best of life will come to us."

seems simple, eh?

if we focus on being the best possible versions of ourselves. we're going to wake up one morning and realize, that the best of life is getting us.

obviously. there is a lot more that goes into it that callously saying okay, i'll be the best me i can be. shazam.

it takes work.

a hell of a lot of work. and not only the daily repetitive, persistent...just-do-it-until-it-does-you-good kinda stuff. but the emotional stuff too. the kind that will come back to haunt you when you least expect it.

the kind that will tease at your senses.

and cheaply mock your weakest of personality glitches. tugging at your coattails, pulling you downward. hoping--if they succeed in their cause--that they will to leave you along the roadside emotionally torn to pieces. showering in a pitch black bathroom. dreaming of bluer skies.

and that is where it gets tough.

that. my dears. is where we just have to plow on through and continue to progress in life.

and we improve.

one day at a time. minute by minute. lunch break by lunch break. we find ways to improve the people we are.

i heard this quote this past weekend.

it wasn't said to stand out.
it wasn't written with hot-pink marker on the white board or sent out in the cute-bedazzled-hand-out-form that relief society sisters sometimes do.

but it rang in my mind with complete clarity.

really. i couldn't have wiped it from my thoughts even if i had wanted to.

it was something that i was destined to hear.
something that became the answer to many of my current trials, questions and issues in life.

i guess we often assume that there is some exact answer for our questions and concerns.

or perhaps an all-telling book. 'the one true way to find happiness' (which--by the way--i just googled. and there are many versions of this title to try out. if you wish.)

but no book--no article on the web--no advice column or motivational speaker is going to have answers for you. for your life. for you personally.

no one else will no how to make you happy.

others may love you. they may show you affection. they may cradle you and protect you. it will make you feel warm and equally as in love. it will make you happy. and it's such a beautiful thing.

but--in my opinion--that isn't the foundational happiness of the individual. and that kind of happiness that may or may not hold up in times of struggle.

it frightens me.

when i hear others talk about how if they could only find 'that someone' then they would be happy.

and don't get me wrong--i know that finding that kind of love and companionship brings intense amounts of joy and security. and i want it just as much as the next joe. jill. whatever.

but i find a flaw in that logic.

because you can't depend on someone else to be your reason, your source for happiness.

and yes, i know m.k. and a. seem to find it every time
. no matter their whereabouts. those girls have just got it all figured out.

speaking of which, i'm kind of craving some full house. some uncle j. and becky. topped up with a touch of d.j. and a little mary kate and ashley olsen. nothing wrong with that.



just be the best you that you can possibly be. and the best of life will come to you.

i feel pretty good about that. yup.

okay, that's all for today.

Monday, July 11, 2011


apparently. i still have a slight obsession with libraries.
...i'm kind of in love with them.
that's all.

Friday, July 8, 2011

a little secret.

'i've got this friend. holding onto her heart.
like it's a little secret.
...like it's all she's got to give.'

-the civil wars, i've got this friend

i think we can all relate to this dude.
...in some way or another.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

generic brand.

you know that painful burning-throbbing-pulsing sensation of a stubbed toe?

and how it hurts? and how, when you proceed to stub your toe with other people present you usually make it known and possibly react more dramatically than if you were in a room by yourself?

like when i accidentally fell down the stairs while wearing heels this morning.

it didn't seem like much.

but then i looked down to find a cut and bruised arm with blood dripping down my elbow.

hm. okay.

i mean, if someone had been there...it really could have been a dramatic scene. a frantic tumble down the narrow stairwell, left beaten with a bloody arm. all while wearing platform heels. eh-hem. not too shabby.

but no.

i was alone. and i didn't make a peep.

just cleaned up the mess and accepted the hurt.

when no one knows. when no one is there. why bother with the fuss?

you just clench your teeth, tightly shut your eyes. and wait. wait for the initial sting to dissipate.

it hurts less that way. i promise.

no tears. no yelling. no grunting or screaming.

just pain. pain that only you know at that moment.

kind of like life, eh?

sometimes it really hurts. in fact, sometimes it hurts like hell. the initial pain may be so intense, that it leaves you hurled over on the icy ground choking through tears.

sitting outside a three story lamp-lit window hoping for signs of life.

astounding, isn't it? y
ou'd think as a human race we'd get to used to the hurting.

but really we don't.

and when no one is there to watch. then nobody knows.

you mumble some highly unnecessary curse words and wipe down your swollen, tear-stained eyes in the ill-maintained walmart bathroom.

and you move along to pick up some great value brand cereal and cleaning products. because you're a cheap-generic-brand-kind-of-girl.

the cashier says to you, "honestly, i think this cereal is better than the brand name."

agreed, you respond with a smile.

she doesn't know. she just wants to talk about cereal. and really, you're okay with that.


i guess my point is. that life moves on.

everyone has their own problems. everyone has something they are dealing with. honestly, most people are currently experiencing or are witnessing something painful.

and you never know what someone may be concealing.

so, what then? you ask.

i guess we do our best. throw on some full house re-runs. take a long, steamy shower in a pitch black bathroom (so emo. but so therapeutic).

and call it a night.


goodnight dear.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

thank you.

James Furness w/ hearyonder: "Time Heals All Wounds" (WS #63) from Pilar Timpane on Vimeo.


my siblings.
...i love them so dearly.

Monday, July 4, 2011

a popsicle please.

happy fourth of july everyone.
it is my favorite time of the year.

god bless america.

p.s. i have had a horrible case of writers block for the past week.
i can't seem to get my words out.
promise to write soon.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

when i have no words of my own...

"...there comes a point when you just love someone.
not because they're good, or bad, or anything really.
you just love them.
it doesn't mean you'll be together forever.
it doesn't mean you won't hurt each other.
it just means you love them.
sometimes in spite of who they are,
and sometimes because of who they are.
and you know that they love you.
sometimes because of who you are
and sometimes in spite of it."

-laurell k. hamilton (incubus dreams)

p.s. i will one day have an office just like this.