Tuesday, September 6, 2011

letting the heart say its piece.

when i was eighteen, i fell in love with a boy.

almost exactly five years ago. goodness, time is a bizarre phenomenon.

yes, he was a classically good guy.

admirable in his life choices. understanding of pain and suffering. quick and impressive sense of humor. planned on doing respectable, intelligent things with his allotted time.

had a fluffy-white dog. like every boy should.

yes, he was good.

our story didn't begin like the fairytales. and i was okay with that.

at the beginning, he didn't love me like i loved him.
though he found me smart, entertaining and beautiful, he simply couldn't commit to what i hope and prayed and dreamed of for oh-so-long.

but i was eighteen. and quite smitten.

so, i decided to fight.

and when that didn't work. fought some more.

years passed. and i kept up the fight.

and so did he.

toxic. yes, toxic may have been a good word to describe the breath of our relationship. an inconsistent heartbeat. blood boiling in desperation with a solemn understanding. despite our strengths and 'good days'. our love failed. plain and simple.

failed (kind of an ugly word, eh?)

time and time again.

and it broke my heart. and it broke his.

we let this go on. and kept scraping at every inkling of hope that we could. we fought.

damn, we fought.

why won't it work?

i would whimper through my sobs.

please. oh, please. i would beg in my prayers. (this gets happier i promise. stay with me...)

and in the end.

in the very end. it ended with a soaked pillow case. a deep black hole in my heart. with a lost breath. a lost hope. with an aching in my gut. and a hatred for such pain and for things that would cause it.

i promised myself that i wouldn't fight anymore.

and for a while. i did just that.

my heart became chilly. and the depth i once lived for became shallow.

i didn't try.

i didn't let myself care. i kept things surface. i kept things safe. i didn't allow myself to feel more than a good night out, a flirtatious dinner and a meaningless kiss goodbye. and i forbid myself from losing the upper hand. whatever that entailed, i made sure i did not care more than the other (i'm guessing that this is when my pride issues began ha ha).

i began advocating the ideology that 'you should never care the most'. caring more is for the weak. care. but only to a safe amount.

fun, right?

but here's the thing.

and seriously...i am about to throw my ridiculous pride right out this shattered window of all the bull that i convinced myself to believe....

because i was so, so wrong.

yeah, it sucks to fight and lose. those who agree, say 'i'.

nobody wants to endure pain, give time and exert energy that end up being about as worthless as having a data plan with a cell phone as ghetto as mine. seriously, hate t-mobile.

and not a soul in this world wants to be left high and dry after getting their ass kicked by something that was supposed to be so innocent and beautiful.

it's like losing a wrestling match to your little sister. okay fine, losing every wrestling match ever...even when you were six and she was four...to your little sister. (seriously, for some reason i am the worst. it's so weird. i blame it on my weak arms.)

and i know for a fact, that nobody wants to be left in the dark.
left behind. left feeling like they have absolutely no idea where to go or what to do next. or how to make sense of what hellish-like-blur just whipped the shiz out of them. left wandering in a world that they really don't understand. (kind of like me in a health food store. yeah, i went into good earth the other day for some vitamins and tea that is supposed to help me be stress-free-and-easy-lovin'. and i happened to be starving and on my way to work. so i walked over to the food aisles. thinking i could easily grab a snack. and honestly, i probably wandered aimlessly for a good ten minutes. confused about everything. i mean, i consider myself a fairly healthy eater. but really? it's freakin' rabbit and hamster food that place has got going on. needless to say, i ended up leaving with nothing but a bottle of mult-vitamins and valerian passion flower compound.)

thank goodness for protein-style in-and-out burger eh?

confusion is a cruel form of torture.

do they love me? do they not? do they kind-of-love-me? do they sort-of-hate me? do they like me at all? do they wish i was dead? crap.

now all i need is a flower with some hearty petals.

let's play this game. shall we? (don't even say anything aubry. i know what's coming.)

he loves me.

he loves me not.

depends on the day.

depends on the night.

depends on how long this flower lasts really.

fun game. best game ever, eh?
who even invented that? i'd like to talk to that individual. one troubled little girl. or one very malicious little boy.

we've all played it.

and my point is--no one likes to be screwed.

no one likes losing a game that they put everything down on. trust me, i'm a competitive player.

but sometimes it's what has to happen. because if we don't put something down....we will never--and that is a fact--never get anything in return.

because you're going to try. and inevitably you are going to fail. not all the time, but a good chunk of the time.

sometimes it will crash and burn. and i mean burrrrrrn.

maybe it will go terribly wrong. or maybe it will just kind of fizzle. or perhaps he just won't call you back. or maybe you'll try for years and years and then one day have to suck up the wasted time, eat the losses and just move along.

sign the papers. delete the number. ignore the e-mail. throw out the old hat. whatever it is. but you move along. because you tried. and you fought.

but in the end. it failed.

sad day. (pop out the friends episodes and gold fish crackers because it's time to be depressed)

and then (imagine this screen pouring light out on you and magical-disney-like-music-beginning to play) there is that one.


that one time. when it won't fail.

when you will fight. and he will fight. and you will fight for each other.

and this time, you will realize how blessed you are.

you'll come sprinting. you'll come knowing that you're willing to give just about anything. you'll come in humility. you'll ready to forgive and be forgiven. learning from your past mistakes. you'll come in eagerness.

and for no reason at all---things will fall into place.

and you will win.

yes, you will win. and because you know the pain of losing. and because you know the pain of making mistakes. and the heartache of letting love be lost. your appreciation will be heightened. and you will hold tighter to this individual that you ever knew was possible.

i've seen it.

and though i honestly believe that there has not and will not ever be a 'perfect couple' who has all it all figured out. that will be okay, because you will know it is right. and despite the imperfections, you will have a strong and lasting desire for it to work.

you will depend on one another because you really, really can't imagine your life without them.

nice, eh?


i'm not sure why i felt like writing on this today
. i guess it comes from what i'm seeing and experiencing and feeling. and this week, i've made up my mind to speak the blunt and honest truth.

see, i know a lot of people right now that are in different situations regarding love.

some are struggling. some are kicking-butt. others just don't really know.

but this is my praise. this is my advice. this is my measly two-cents from whatever-the-h. experience i do have (which really isn't very much).

that i know we will all win eventually.

and despite the lost, lonely, confused, robbed, stationary stage you are currently in. don't give up.

i don't know everything.

but i do know this.

and until then. if you're looking for some 'cinematic make mac-and-cheese in your sweats while watching old re-runs of your favorite 90's tv show' music. then check out this song.


  1. Amen to everything. From the little experience I have had I have learned to let time do it's work. Time will create something beyond hope and expectation if we just let it. Good things are never rushed and delivered on request. Good things show up when you are looking for what you think is the package, and sometimes you just put in the corner and ignore it. Then one day you find it, in a book, song, in conversation, in someone. And then you realize it, and it's not some great epiphany. It's just a subtle feeling of knowing that you found it.

    Great post!

    And for those days when you feel like just not caring I always prefer "caring is creepy" by the shins

  2. wow i am way behind on commenting on your blog....our friendship is dangling by a thread. Anyway love the post!

  3. its not your weak arms it just that i am way cooler than you

  4. I love that "It's just a subtle feeling of knowing that you found it." Thanks face with a name :)

    And Aubs...Let's keep the friendship alive.

    Siera, you just have a gift. One day i will win.


from keen.