Monday, December 26, 2011

diet ibc and a happy new year.

the other day. i almost bought diet ibc rootbeer.

yeah, it's true.

diet ibc.

is that some sort of all-time-low?

i mean, as if wandering around walmart, picking up six-packs of an alcohol-look-alike-not-even-moderately-caffeinated soda isn't bad enough.

and then to tag the 'diet' label onto it.

eh-he-hem. man, i am weird.

i made it 3/4 of the way up to the cashier before realizing that i had no idea what the hell i was doing.

and then found myself standing--somewhat lost--in the produce section, laughing at the bizarre-pathetic nature of what i was experiencing. with that--i immediately set the six-pack down and left to pay for the mascara i initially went in for.

eight dollars.

eight dollars for a tube of brown-black goop that i sweep onto my eyelashes on a daily basis. eight dollars for a product that makes my eyes 'pop out'. eight dollars to 12-long-lasting-hours of distraction from the dark circles beneath my blood shot eyes (i currently have a eye-straining-cold)

eight dollars--that somewhere along the line of growing up as a female, enduring through puberty and staying afloat amidst the ninth grade politics--that i choose to spend on a monthly basis. to be the kind-of-beautiful i should be.

no--i'm not a feminist. i love my make-up and hair products. i enjoy dressing up and strutting some serious game in my most flirtatious heels.

i mean, who doesn't?

instagram, ladies. instagram.

but i do at times think about these kind of things while standing in line at the community walmart, dropping a solid eight dollars on a 4 1/2 inch long tube of chemicals. chemicals that the world has said will make me sexxxxxxy.

perhaps, perhaps i should have stuck with the ibc.

it's these moments. moments standing in the walmart line with the slightly-emo-eighteen-year-old-chica at the register...wearing a stained t-shirt with a neckline that's dropped about two inches lower that i would have preferred--that i start thinking about things like that charming couple that's been on my mind.

the one that things seem to have worked out well for. the one's living the coveted and 'blog-worthy' life ('blog-worthy' is new lingo for 'picture perfect' fyi).

a life that is--by-all-appearances--m.a.g.i.c.a.l.

sometimes this very thought haunts and teases at me. but only because it's something that i don't understand. i start thinking about my experiences. experiences where i was involved and experiences when i was a by-stander.

watching the happy couple over skype. listening to the woe's of the other in the kitchen.

wondering how some people get it right. and others just don't.

contemplating how i spent so long believing in one thing. and then realizing that it wasn't the reality i thought it was.

and yes. all the while i'm still standing in the walmart line. no, apparently miss-emo-low-shirt is not the quickest cashier in the book.

but i don't mind. i've really got nowhere to be.

why not here?

and honestly, i don't mind the time to just stand and wait. and think. it's been an non-stop couple of weeks. filled with all sorts of ups and downs.

i've heard of more people getting divorced than i even like to mention. and with each and every tale of 'so-&-so" getting divorced because of "x and x" reason, i can feel my heart drop into my gut just a little bit more. icky.

i don't care for it.

and then, on the other-happy-holiday-merry-christmas-grand-ol'-new-year side of things. we've got more engagements popping up on facebook and being announced via text and posted on instagram than i can even keep track of.

coincidence? no, not in my opinion.

it's just that time of the year.

even more than valentines day (most ridiculous holiday in the history/invention of holidays), more than the "june bride" season (running from may to mid-july) and more than the early 'summer-fun-has-come-to-an-end-time-to-get-serious-september' (when people start realizing that bikinis and tans are 'fun and all' but not really the recipe for a satisfying future)...

this holiday season is the time of the year when people want to hope in something.

and not just anything.

they want to believe. not only in the magic of christmas and the fresh start of a new year, but in themselves and in their choices.

it's something in the air.

something that makes people long for love. hope for progression. and take steps towards...whatever.

whether that means the tragic realization that it's time to separate ways with one you have loved. or the beautiful uniting of something new.

yeah.

i picture the intense glow of a rockstar-size-diamond upon that young girl's finger. and i find myself cynically wondering how 'real' this one may be. and how long it may/may not last.

that couple. the one that's known each other less than a year. the things they don't know. the things they will have to work through. the things that scare me...that i try not to think about...

but.

i guess this is where i just may not understand. my inbred logic from my father and learned argumentative ways from boyfriends past often keep me from seeing beyond what the eyes can see. seeing into the sincerity of a heart and of the meaning behind such a commitment.

and i realize. i haven't given credit where credit is due.

because there are things that they do know.

they know that they are in love. they know that the symbolism behind that stunning ring gives them something to hope for. and truly something to believe in.

and nope, there is nothing wrong with that.

so--for those of you ready to embrace this next year--in desperate need of a new start. hoping that you can let go of whatever it is--people or experiences--that may be keeping you back.

my prayer for you is that you will find yourselves again. and that you will clearly understand and support the choices you have made and will make in the future.

i know how it feels. and it sucks. bad.

letting go of someone or something that you've loved is probably one of the most intense forms of torture upon this earth.

you try so hard to remind yourself of the bad. and all you really want to remember is the good.

but please.

you know you need to let go. so please. let it go. let it go kristen.

cling to what is real. and forget about what is not.


and to those of you--also full of hope--committing, taking steps forward, making changes for this upcoming year.

my prayer for you is that you will embrace the changes that you have encouraged. and move forward with every ounce of passion in your beautiful little self.

keep it alive. keep reality in perspective. and go at it with everything you've got.

everything you've got kristen.



'is this all?' my-chesty-emo-friend asked me as she swiped the mascara barcode on the scanner between us.

yeah, i began to respond as i opened my wallet to pull out my debit card...

and then stopped and looked up.

the slight scowl on her face was enough to scare off any innocent passer-by. her size was slightly intimidating...being that she could easily beat the shiz out of me.

but truth-be-told, her pale skin was close to flawless. her black hair hung straight and gave off extra luster. and the depth behind her insanely green eyes was almost shocking.

truly beautiful.

i'm sure she had a story. i'm sure there was a reason she didn't feel like smiling at that moment. and that was okay. thank heavens darling, it's that time of year.

a fresh start. for you. for me. for everyone.



i smiled. and asked.

have you ever had diet ibc?



5 comments:

  1. I have been waiting for you to post again! Always enjoy your writing! Happy New Year :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow, and this all started with deciding not to buy dietibc. It's very beautiful. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. First time reading your blog--it really touched me. Thanks for writing. I will be back :)

    ReplyDelete

from keen.