Tuesday, November 27, 2012

i have a new blog.
and i'm really very excited about it. 

hop on over and tell me what you think.


Friday, November 2, 2012


i can imagine it quite clearly.

a little fireball of a child. restless. adventurous. full of contagious energy. dark brown hair, eager eyes, and a heart of pure gold.

one-hundred and five percent boy. through and through. this little guy is all male--down to the bone. dreaming of football. crushing all things crush-able.  rolling around in dirt for no apparent reason. and constantly building shiz--only to crush it too.

a little boy with a whole world of possibilities ahead of him. and the god-given ability to seize any and all of it--if he so chooses.

i can imagine it.

a teen now. same dark hair, beautiful eyes eager with passion and intellect. living the story of an american teenage  boy.

star on his high school football team. living the dream of his younger years. hanging with his buds and dating the pretty brunette on the cheer squad.

winner of 'most handsome' in his class. and voted on as homecoming king. just being what an eighteen year-old should be.  living like a teenage boy does--with fairly consistent trips to the emergency room, too many stitches to count, and the ongoing belief that he is truly invincible.

and that heart.

that perfect heart of his. the one of pure, radiant gold. so steadfast and solid. beating with the sole purpose of giving and receiving love.

i can imagine him.

that college guy. handsome with his dark hair, now cut a little shorter. eyes still bright and eager. anxious for experience. now dressed in full football uniform. standing in the stadium that he sat in so many times as a kid. the one he dreamed of all his life.

living off of cans of tuna, mac & cheese and protein powder--college life. working when he had the time. keeping himself awake through that early class. and getting that phone number of the pretty girl he saw at lunch.

he does like most college guys do--

unsure of his future, but confident that he will find a way to be the man he desires to be.

and now, i see that man.

that same dark hair and eager eyes.

eyes that i trust. that i look to for comfort and guidance. a man that now stands by my side on the bad days and the good. who holds me for no reason at all--other than to show me his love. a man that has taken those endless opportunities the world has offered him and continues to utilize them--one day at a time.

a humble, brilliant, protective man.

who respects his father and loves his mother just like a boy should. who cheers on his football team, no matter where in the world he has to internet-stream the game from.

business man. husband. brother. example. spontaneous  traveler. seeker of weird-foreign foods, and the best friend a girl could ever have.

a heart of pure gold. and so much love to give.

that's my husband.

happy birthday ron-dawg.

love you forever.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

an absolute.

and for me, this meant finding my best friend.
the love of my life.

"i started my life with a single absolute:
that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values,
and never to be given up to a lesser standard,
no matter how long or hard the struggle."
ayn rand

Monday, August 6, 2012


i never believed in soul-mates.

okay, maybe not never. there was probably a time when i was a young, bright-eyed-princess-dreaming little girl that i may have believed in such things. scheming up scenarios involving prince charming and his white stallion. coveting after all the outfits and glass slippers he came with in the disney-barbie-princess-party-set.

suspicious, really. 'prince charming' looked a lot like the ken doll (to-this-day i can't figure out why the mattel/disney design peeps couldn't get more creative with the male dolls)

but time quickly taught me otherwise.

i firmly believed that there were many men out there that could be a match for me. and held that same standard and formula for everyone.

hearing anyone mention the notion of being 'meant for each other' was slightly uncomfortable for me. i looked at it as naive and dangerous. because in my mind, the idea of soul-mates was more of just a fantastical concept born of old-school, fictional romanticism.

just a pleasant thought really. or a simple dream to let myself dream of on those nights when i needed to renew my faith in the whole idea of love and marriage.


nah, i never believed it.

until him. 

finding myself in a new, slightly-frightening but overly exhilarating place was life-changing in and of itself. i was absolutely engulfed in a heated romance with a new city, fresh people, and a mindset of utter freedom.

people became more than just a figure. or a resume. or a potential suitor.

they became individuals with stories, experience and gifts to offer society. i was blown away by how different my views on living had become.

expecting nothing from others, i refused to 'sum' them up, and embraced each and every one of them for their beauty, quirkiness, and edge.

god had given me a unique opportunity.

i didn't plan on wasting it.

in my fury of absorbing everything and anything--on a rather ordinary san francisco evening--after being teased by the co-workers for actually putting on make-up and doing my hair in a way that didn't involve a padre's cap--- i found myself walking out of our office building on 5th and market, turning the corner into a small city alleyway, and watching his tall frame step out of that black bmw.

we had met before, but just briefly.

his features were striking. more-so than i remembered.

greeting me with one of the most charming and inviting smiles i had ever known, he politely opened my door and gestured for me to slide in.

thank you. i managed to say in a nonchalant, but aggressively-flirtatious way.

i remember that moment. the smell. the feeling. new car. new person. new experience.

first date.

oh, the memory is so clear.

like yesterday. like a beautiful, perfect yesterday.

the cafe on knob hill seemed smaller than it actually was.

the host led us past the front room, which consisted of a sleek wine-bar. lined--that wednesday evening--with several hump day dreamers just passing off on the american dream. elegant wine goblets set in front of them.

our waiter directed us to a back room and seated us at a quaint table. barely large enough for two. placed next to a window. the city was lovely that night. a cold, but calm evening. no fog or homeless in site (rare for san francisco)

the scene was damn close to perfect.

had i somehow fallen into one of those cheesy romance-easy-reads that i'd often buy in airports during-delayed-layover-desperation but secretly really enjoyed?

the kind with the tall, dark handsome man with the career and personality that no one could resist. the ones that you scorned at for being fictional?

the dream continued as we began our first dinner chat.

his face was new to me. a beautiful new.

i observed, mesmerized and intrigued as he talked about his job, traveling, living in the city--making fun of himself as he shared stories that made me laugh and fall hard for his sincere, eager eyes.

he put me at ease.

i talked too. open and honest. unguarded. extremely uncharacteristic for me. rare that a stranger could make me feel so at home.

who was this man? where had he been all my life? (cue rihanna)

this handsome face. sweet nature. and protective instincts.

hell, it didn't take a lot for him to rope me in.


the night ended with a sweet and perfect kiss. and believe me, giddy doesn't even begin to adequately describe the state i found myself in as i snuggled into bed that night. it was a new feeling. something i truly had never felt before.

a feeling of ease. of not being afraid. a feeling of being completely 100% me. and be loved for it. a feeling of confidence in what the future held. all mixed into one, warm and whimsical emotion.

from that night on, we struggled being apart.

some would call that first date a success.

others might say it was a truly fortunate coincidence. a matter of being in the right time. in the right place. with the right people.

and though i agree with all these things, i believe it was much, much more.

divine perhaps.


heaven's plan for two individuals, destined to be together. in a time when they were both ready, willing and anxious.

even, soul-mates.

so, there you are. hella chessy and eatin' my own words. i've officially made a full circle from those early days of playing with prince-charming-barbie-ken and dreaming of that one-and-only.

thirty-two slow dances and two-thousand and fifty-six i love you's later (i guesstimated on those), i found myself standing on a bridge. a ceiling of lights strung above me. in one of my favorite places on earth-- with him.

my soul-mate.

'i left my heart in san francisco' playing in the background.

tears. inevitable.

my best friend. the love of my life. my reason.

the man that exceeded all of my expectations and trumped over anything i have ever dreamt up on my own or read in a some cheesy romance novel.

kneeling right there in front of me.

marry me?

finding that one may be a matter of the right time. and having the right mindset. being ready in a certain phase of life.

if you're like me, it will go against all other plans previously made.

but when that moment of clarity comes, it should be easy. it shouldn't be a fight, toss-up, or guessing game. it should be a fact. like so many people had told me over the years--when you know, you truly do know. it won't be a question.

and though i know it works differently for everyone, i truly believe that last statement.

with all of my heart.

whether it's a foggy west-coast city full of kookie-ass people. or just down the street from the home you've always known.

it'll be that one.

the one you choose to love forever.

your soul-mate.

He is exactly the poem I wanted to write." - Mary Oliver

Friday, July 6, 2012

a delayed flight.

i'm saying it now. in hopes that i don't jinx myself. 

i plan on having a daughter.

and yes, like many females--i have a list of names that i believe will suit her well (and though i would not classify my list as 'trendy' or 'weird'--i do have some 'different' name selections that i'm very much in love with it).

and i won't deny the fact that i do have outfits from the zara toddler line that i dream of clothing her in, and already know i will love her with every ounce of devotion and possessiveness my 5'3" frame can hold.

and every now and again--on no particular day or time--walking downtown on sunny san francisco days, cuddled up on the sofa watching a tv fave, or while wandering down the hair supply aisle at target-- i think about this beautiful little creature of my future. 

her eyes will be strong. and determined. just like her dad's.

feminine and proud. like her mom.

she'll love fairytales and have a wild, ridiculous imagination. she'll dream of growing up, of moving to a city, becoming a designer or a teacher or a doctor or a dolphin trainer...and of falling hopelessly in love. 

and just like my parents did--i'll let her dream, but teach her to embrace and build-upon reality.

i pray she'll grow up slow. and that as she does, she'll be intelligent and have the savvy-street-smarts that her parents raised her to have.

yes, i think about her beautiful smile. and how protective her father will be as he waits up for her to return from her first prom.

and sometimes, i pray for her. especially on days when the world overwhelms me.

weird? maybe.

but i do. 

i think about things.

things that scare the hell out of me. things that piss off the feisty-woman inside of me (definitely get that from shell-bell) and things that i love--that bring me so much joy for her. 

and as i do, i allow my obsessive-compulsive-self to mentally keep a list.

a list. of so many, many things i want to teach her. that i'd like for her to know. 

things like--find a good hairstylist that you like and stick with them, always try to keep some midol and/or tylenol on hand at all times, allow yourself some dark chocolate on a daily basis (good for the soul) and never-ever-ever over pluck your eyebrows.

you know. just the basics of growing up female.

...allow yourself a good cry from time to time. don't be ashamed to go see a sappy love flick by yourself. shave your whole leg (not just the bottom half. pleeeease. yuck. i mean seriously, no one wants a sneak peak of your upper leg when it's in all-nat-u-ral mode) and one of the more important ones--find your best friends and keep them close. you'll want them around.


but more than that...

i want to teach her about how blessed she is to be a woman. i want her to never doubt in who she is, in what she is capable of, and in what she is worth. 

she will be beautiful. strong. sensitive. sarcastic. loving. 

and 100% her. 

there will--without fail--be moments, days, and even weeks when she'll feel inadequate. 

'the-prone-to-feel-inadequate" gene is somehow just a part of being female. yeah, it sucks. but whatev.

and i'm not going to pretend like my little girl will never experience such feelings. because there will be days, days of forgetting who she is--when she'll want to plaster on the make-up thicker, wear something just a little-bit-sluttier, and put on 'the act' that the boys seem to like. 

oh-do-i-hate 'the act'. and i can only pray that she will too.

because she'll have mornings when the mirror will tell her she's not skinny enough. nights when punk-ass boys will break her heart. and then there will be times when she'll break theirs. 

little heartbreaker. 

times when chemistry 101 will convince her she isn't smart enough. and when not making the varsity team or getting that one job she really wanted will pick away at her confidence.

and of course, my little girl will make mistakes. she'll be her mothers daughter--so yes, obviously she'll be learning by default at times--okay, a lot of the times.

perfection is not expected. experience will be bitter/sweet. and she'll be stronger for it. 

she'll learn, recoup and move forward. 

one day, she'll be sitting in an airport. headed home to see her family. and attend her sisters wedding.

it will be busy. her flight will be cancelled and delayed.

again and again.

she'll realize that twenty-four years of life have now passed on by. she'll understand and have accepted that many mistakes have been made and many more are yet to come...

by now she is starting to understand herself.

her beliefs. her values. the truth behind the facades of the world. what she will and will not compromise on. and what she desires of her future.

she knows the pains of loss. the sting of grief. and the ache of a broken heart.

and on the contrary--she'll know the joy found in true accomplishment, the gratitude taught from life experience, and the absolute heaven-on-earth-and-beyond-your-wildest-dreams-kind-of-happiness brought to this world by sincere, honest love.

realizing that all those childish dreams--dreams she had of moving to a city, having a career, hailing a cab in the rain, and finding someone to love forever--have already come true.

she'll hop on the plane.

and head across the open skies, towards the mountains and back to her home. to the place that founded this all.  to the ones that taught her to remain true to herself.

to be 100% her.

and never settle for anything less.

yes, that's what i want. for that beautiful little girl of my future...

i want her dreams to come true. 

exactly as mine have.

this post is for my parents. my little sister is getting married this next week. i can't help but think about what a stunning job they have done raising us kids. 

i love them. and can only pray that i will half of the loving, encouraging parents that they were to us.

love you guys.

Friday, June 15, 2012

cain's perfect game.

"i wonder if this is how people always get close; 
they heal each other's wounds.
they repair the broken skin."

lauren oliver, pandemonium

i just can't get enough of that face.
and that smile.
the smile that won my heart so sudden and unexpectedly. 
yeah, i know.

i'm a little obsessed.

*picture taken this at the giants game earlier this week.
one for the history books.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

this dress will be mine. one day.

there's a lot of things you should make back up plans for,
but love isn't one of them.

-stan smith

big shout out to my baby sister who will be getting married in one month.
love you both so much.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

american studies.

months back i wrote this post.

the gist of it--i know what it feels like to have a broken heart.

ha, and right now you're sitting there thinking, 'no duh kris. we read your blog. that's no secret.'

tell us somethin' we don't know.

but yes, i do.

and they suck. sorry mr. birrell/miss wolsey (they made our entire sophomore american studies class commit to never using the "s" word again by filling out a sheet of 100 words that could be used to replace it.)

but suck is what broken hearts do.

they suck all the life, motivation, and faith right outta' ya.

and this past post expresses that even though i had yet to experience it, held onto the hope that one day--in some future life--that i dared only dream of--there would be that one.

after all the failed relationships. all the laughable attempts at love. all the shit that left you feeling helpless, insecure and lost.

yes, after all that. i knew that somehow, someday there would be that one. that game changer.

in my exact words...

it'll be that one time. when it won't fail. when you will fight. and he will fight. and you will fight for each other.

you'll come sprinting. you'll come knowing you're willing to give just about anything. you'll come in humility...ready to forgive and be forgiven. learning from your past mistakes, you'll come in eagerness. 

and for no reason at all--things will fall into place.

yes, shocking.

doesn't sound much like the me we all knew at that time. but nevertheless, that's what i wrote.

and even though i had no real evidentiary support, my heart told me it was the truth.

i guess i still believed in it all along.

even though i often preached against it--solely based off of my experience that had become the only truths i really knew. the truth that love all-to-often ended in hurt. and regularly left you lying in bed at night--wondering if that love would still exist tomorrow. wondering what game you'd be competing in tomorrow.


but see, deep down i think i knew. one day. it wouldn't be a game. not a game at all in fact.

quite opposite.

somehow, deep down, i knew that one day it would just work. work in ways that i had never before experienced.and it would be so real, so genuine. almost sacred. to a point where games are not even considered. and for all of you doubting this--the ones out there getting there ass's kicked by another-ridiculous-one-sided relationship-- please listen.

don't settle. don't settle for anything less than crazy love. find reason in one another. and passion that comes natural with a ravenous desire to stay alive.

why? because it exists.

i promise.

you love him. he loves you. he respects every beautiful inch of you and you respect the hell out of him.

you'll go to bed at night, knowing he'd kill for you. knowing that he will be there for you in the morning, as devoted and as in love with you as he was the day before. 

he'll never hurt you.

and you'll find that your desires to make him happy are close-to-overwhelming.

yes, sweet girl. it exists.

just like my beautiful friend arica told me over our first dinner at one of the city's more pretentious and overpriced new-american restaurants...

"you'll meet someone kris. the right one. and i promise you, he'll make you forget about all those past experiences--the ones that are currently holding you back and distracting you. and no--he won't be able to wash them away from your past...but he will replace them with new, beautiful things that will create a special love that is uniquely for you two."

yes, words like that.

words that only god in heaven above could have placed in a more appropriate and timely manner. another testament to why certain people arrive in our lives when they do.

yes, all those words regarding the beauty of love. those things people had said to me in moments when i just could barely bare the pain anymore. the words that i'd scold at in the steam of darkened shower on those heartbroken nights....

like magic. they suddenly all hold so much meaning

it won't be a gamble.

don't listen to that unhappy man that tells you it will. because sure, there will be risk. always is. but not a gamble. no games. just trust and every reason in the world.

i remember--so many years ago--reading the words of elizabeth barrett browning (and again--shout out to mr. birrell and miss wolsey. a big thanks for all the intense hours of poetry reading our american studies class demanded from us)

her words read like an intimidating but captivating voice.

you're something between a dream and a miracle. 

they almost haunted me, they were so shocking, so romantic, and so crazy-ass passionate. more than anything---and i mean anything. i wanted that.

and from that moment on. i had no plans to ever settle for less.

no matter how many nights of dark-steamy-showers and friends re-run's the future held in-store for me.

that's what i wanted.

so here we are.

not ashamed to admit, i know most friends episodes from start to finish and can quote a good majority of them by heart.

i've mastered the art of taking dark, steamy, therapeutic showers. and have written numerous very-honest, sometimes harsh and slightly-bitchy blogposts on love in its prime and in its weakness.

i'm twenty-three measly years of rather-intense experience.

i never understood it. until now.

and you darling, are more of a dream than i could have ever dreamt of. and are more of an absolute miracle than i will ever deserve.

so send the dophins, baby. go right ahead. and listen to this song.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

a creature of warmth.

i’m a warm-blooded creature.

my instinct is to gravitate towards warmth. mainly because it provides a temporal comfort.

poor circulation doesn’t even begin to describe the condition of my feet or finger tips. ask anyone familiar with my appendages.

i’m a slave to wool socks and slippers, even in the dry september heat.

i can’t resist warmth.

one of the many reasons i’ve migrated back down to the lands of california.

snow and endless winters can be charming, obviously. fireplaces, hot chocolate, a snuggie. oh yes, it all rings so infomercial-sweetly.

but not for me.

walking inside and feeling melted snow seep deep into my boots, scraping ice off of my windshield at hellish hours of the morning, and coming out of work to three feet of snow piled on top of my car are all things that kind of make me want to cry.

chapped lips. frozen toes. frozen-a winds. shut-the-f-up.

not my thing.


that's my thing.

i’m a girl that lusts after the vicious summer heat. and will aggressively wiggle her toes and shake her legs to warm up under when first slipping into bed at night.

so please, don’t be surprised baby.

when we pull down the covers. just you and i.

in a bed much like this.

placed in a room carefully and obsessively crafted just to our liking. with one-too-many down filled pillows (i'm a pillow snob) and the perfect, slightly-sensual color palette.

the day will have ended like most. we'll laugh at the ridiculous things we say and do. i'll tell you stories about the cray-crayyyy woman i work with. you'll joke about my inability to take care of my car. which i deserve--after forgetting to get its oil changed. again.

kindly saying you'll do it for me tomorrow.

i'll stand on my tip-toes. and thank you with a sincere kiss on your perfect jaw bone.


living for those moments of pure, crazy-ass love. the kind that most find overwhelming (in the beautiful sense of the word). the kind that brings so much freakin' warmth to your fingertips through a simple touch.

pumping so much blood through your once chilly, lost-and-forgotten heart.

we'll turn down those sheets.

and darling, like i said-- don’t be surprised.

when i curl up next to you and let my nose bury into the side of your chest.

and please don’t be thrown off when you hear a muffled whisper, as i pull that duvet up higher around my lips--telling you to come closer to me.

please baby.

you make think it's just for that ridiculous amount of body heat you put off.
and in a small way--maybe it is (like i said--my circulation is extremely poor)...

but what you may not realize...

is that mostly--mostly and lastly--it's for that indescribable, addictive warmth.

found in your touch, spread through the fingertips. it's that heart-pumping-dream-shaking-world-rocking warmth that only moments like these can offer a person.

and what can i say?

i'm a creature of warmth baby.

Monday, April 2, 2012


"...why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having,
she'd have waited for you?'
no, sir.
the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody."

f. scott fitzgerald

p.s. i'm lusting over this artwork right now.
not even sure where it's from.
grabbed it off of tumblr and pinned that son of a b.

Friday, March 30, 2012

the flinch.

happy friday. get excited loves. because i've got something special for you.

remember my boy nate?

his last post on my blog pretty much dominated modern writing and human emotion as we know it (you can read it here if you missed out)

well, he's back. and prepare yourself. because what you're about to read is complete badass.

so enjoy.

and thanks nate.

Change is the only constant of life, and there are only two ways to deal with it...

Embrace it, or fight it.

In the last month, I’ve quit my job, started working on my own start-up, bought plane tickets to travel across the country (twice), given away half my wardrobe, and sold more than half of my possessions. I’ve rekindled old friendships, and ended others. I’ve experienced the death of someone I love, and learned the importance of loving myself more fully.

Change is going to happen whether you want it to or not. It’s your decision whether you ball your hands into fists, and try to push back against the hurricane winds of change or willingly let down your defences, open your arms, and use those winds of change to fly.

The way we react to change has a direct correlation with the amount of happiness we experience in life.

The hardest part about change - especially embracing change - is that it requires us to be vulnerable.

We are all born with a built-in mechanism called The Flinch. It’s a natural instinct to protect our most vulnerable parts (our face, our hearts, and our baby-makers) from something potentially harmful.

If you’ve ever had someone unexpectedly throw something at you, you’ve experienced the awkward, spastic, flailing motion that is The Flinch. It doesn’t matter if it’s a knife, or a marshmallow flying at your head. The flinch just happens.

As we go throughout life, we develop an emotional flinch. We put up walls to protect us from things that have the potential to cause us pain. We hide the parts of ourself that we don’t think people will like. We break up with a significant other to avoid being broken up with... or worse, being rejected and unloved as a result of the skeletons in our closets.

We run away from new opportunities because we are scared to learn, grow, and push ourselves. We fear moving to a new place because it requires us to start over, and the comfortable job/city/school we’re in now is just so... well, comfortable.

We avoid risk, fear, and pain. As a result, we rarely experience the feelings of success, joy, and ecstasy.

To get the things we want most in life, we have to stare the things we hate the most in the face, and learn to be comfortable with them. Avoiding the hard stuff simply numbs our ability to experience the good stuff.

Vulnerability is scary.

Ok, I take it back. It’s terrifying.

Being vulnerable requires us accept our true selves... even the parts we might hate. It takes serious backbone not only to love ourselves with all of our flaws and scars and secrets, but to willingly share them with others despite the chance of rejection.

Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is courage.

That said, I have a confession to make. Despite being a pro at forcing myself to dive head-first into change, I suck at being vulnerable.

I put on a mask. I wear a thick protective armor. I hide behind a facade.

I have recently learned that one of my greatest strengths (an ability to get people to open up to, and trust me) stems from my greatest weakness (my fear of vulnerability). I’ve become such a pro at building up emotional walls that I can bring someone else’s fortress crashing down around them in no time at all. I am the one who created the blueprints, after all.

My fear of vulnerability has me running scared. For years, my enemy has been the feeling of “comfortable,” because when you become comfortable, it means that you are letting down your guard. When defences are lowered, people start to catch glimpses of who you truly are. They see past the mask. Your imperfections and flaws start to become exposed.

Being exposed... *shudder*

I am terrified that I will never be loved for who I really am. Instead, I will only be loved as the person that others think I am.

So, rather than open up, I run.

This fear stems from the fact that I have never really allowed someone to decide whether or not to accept or reject me on their own. I make the judgement on their behalf.

My new goal (and I invite you to join me)? Relinquish the title of Judge. Let’s be honest. It was really never mine to claim.

I have spent too much of my life quietly judging others for their mistakes, struggles, and decisions. I’ve spent even more time and energy judging myself.

It’s time for the judging to stop.

Judgement is the enemy of vulnerability.

Instead, replace judgement with empathy, encouragement, and love. These qualities are the only gateway that allow ourselves and others to embrace change, and live happy and full lives.

Or, as a man much smarter than myself put it:

"If we take man as he is, we make him worse, but if we take man as he should be, we make him capable of becoming what he can be." -Viktor Frankl

Saturday, March 24, 2012

who run this motha?!

for those of you that don't know my story--i guess it's time i told you (i don't do this often. i rarely give mega-personal info out. usually maintaining focus in the areas of descriptive detail and slightly over-dramatized expression of emotion. a technique i am well trained in)

ah, here it goes.

so, originally from san diego. spent my high school through college years in utah. recently moved back to california, but this time to the grand ol' kookie-ass city of san francisco.

i spend my days working for a sexy little tech start-up located right in the heart of it all. check out the magic here.

mixing up my nights up with a bit of live music, dirty dancing (you think i'm bluffing? ok, yes i'm bluffin. i can hardly twist my hips enough to swivel around in my ikea office chair. my dance moves could be taught on sesame street. not kidding), tech/media events (note* i'm a newb just looking to be accepted into the sf tech world. i've still got a lot to learn) and endless amounts of good food.

san francisco is truly making me a fat girl.

a pretty 'pg' rated life, right?

okay 'pg-13' maybe. i don't know. it's clean enough.

oh, and i'm a self-classified introvert.

but no, not in the way you're probably thinking. you know, that culturally generalized definition of a person that doesn't-like-talking-to-people-avoids-social-situations-and-gets-awkward-anytime-another-human-being-enters-the-room.

in fact, most of those classifications are actually myths.

i simply find my energy from a more inward source, whereas extroverts tend to give and feed off of the energy of others. i crave time by myself but at the same time thrive off of getting to know the quirks and special secrets of the individuals around me. i don't disclose a lot of info, and i don't do well with 'neediness' and am therefore myself, not needy. anyone that has dated me can attest to the fact that i usually throw out within the first couple dates that 'i highly value space'. ha.

romantic shiz, right?

i believe its technical term is 'fair warning'.

a lot of us writers share this introvert-ness.

and f.y.i. to the world: i am currently in a slightly complicated but very passionate relationship.

with this lil' sweetie of a city. san francisco.

it's dropping mad game all over the place. and i can hardly resist. made a shameless flirt out of me.

and don't get me wrong, we have our bad days. but mostly good--just like any relationship does. but trust me, when it's on it is ON baby.

people keep telling us we're a good fit. and though we don't like to gloat--we 100% agree.

isn't that right baby sf? yeah, things are going well.

real well.

okay done. phewwwww.

that was getting a little too personal for a sec there. my bad. apologies on me tonight folks. pass em' around.

because honestly, this isn't about me.

it's about this cutie-pie of a city.

because it deserves the recognition and respect.

let's be real, where else can you get the world's most sensational-fresh-made-(i'm talking just out of the oven)-doughnuts at 1 a.m.? bob's. open 24 hours. kill me. any-freakin-time-i-want.

and where else do you end up stuck on the corner of 5th and Market at 2:57 in the afternoon. with a cracked-out-joe screaming some of the most profane things you've ever heard--directly aiming his vulgarity at you. and yes, you feel confident in claiming it, being that his screaming involved "...that little blonde ***** **** girl ****** ****** with the ****** ***** and ******* sunglasses."

and as the only blonde girl around--you've got to own up, right?

and truthfully, you've never actually heard some of these words. and his slurred, cracked out language isn't really helping the situation. but you know that they're probably not terms of endearment.

safe to assume, he's not looking to be besties anytime soon. and judging by the color of his eyes and the smell of his breath--you're fairly certain talking this out won't change things.

there goes one friendship i'll never be able to patch up.

and please, answer me this...

where else can you get the most perfect mix of hipster-cracked-out-slutty-marina-girls at a seconds notice? or watch the whole world get flat-out-w-a-s-t-e-d on saint patricks day? or enjoy an evening in a rooftop hottub looking out over the tech-hub of the world with thousands of brilliant minds moving at ridiculous speeds? or see willy nelson live at the fox theater and proceed to eat a whole box of reduced-fat cheezits on a second-hand-weed-buzz? or live three doors up from one of the most happening gay bars in the entire city? yeah, loooooookout.

because this is my life. and this is now my city.

it couldn't be making me any happier if it delivered a bouquet of overly-long-stemmed sunflowers directly to my doorstep on a daily basis (and i've received a bouquet like this before--and it was one of my all-time faves)

my daily routine. i wake up in the morning smiling. laugh a slightly ridiculous amount during the day. and go to bed completely content.

and most importantly--it ends and begins completely true and unquestionably me.

just me. kris.

just falling. day by day. more in love with life. more in love with this city. more in love with the future.

and as far as tips go, for anyone wanting to take a step--a fun little jump into something that you've never known, never experienced, and have only dreamed of--do it.

please, just go for it.

bring your 'a-game' and a lot of sexy attitude. leave behind the make-up (seriously, this city has made a hippie out of me) and bring some extra shopping cash. if you want it, you're going to make it happen and it's gonna be good.

you may surprise yourself.

just try not to get yourself lost on a train in oakland. and if you do, call me and i'll hook you up with my boy valentino. however, if you do meet a guy named valentino at the bart station--don't let him trick you into getting your number. he may call you at all hours of the night and morning.


no regrets, right?

i think we're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. (except for some of my provo-home-boys struttin' around golds gym tonight...)

juuuuuuust kidding.

it's fun to feel alive.

title comes from my girl beyonce. i was lovin' on this song this past week.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

mild love.

"...i have been waiting all my life to be with you.
my heart slams against my ribs when i think of the slaughtered nights
i spent all over the world waiting to feel your touch.
the time i annihilated while i waited like a man doing a life sentence.
now you’re here and everything we touch explodes, bursts into bloom or burns to ash.
history atomizes and negates itself with our every shared breath.
i need you like life needs life.
i want you bad like a natural disaster.
you are all i see. you are the only one i want to know."

-henry rollins

i love stumbling across passionate words like these.
so beautiful.

p.s. i am mildly in love with everything going on in this picture.
from here.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

so this is what living feels like.

so, this is what it's supposed to feel like. eh?


i guess i had forgotten.

and without even realizing, i think it was lost. i'm not sure when or where. or how really.

maybe with losing myself. or with losing that sustenance of who i am as an individual and and the sense of belonging i couldn't seem to grasp. maybe it was allowing myself to be trapped for too long.

or maybe not.

whatever the reason, it was a solid facade.

kinda made a liar out of me. and i blame no one but myself. and because of that, it required me and only me to find my way out.

because this is what life is supposed to feel like.

smiles should never lose their depth and reality should be clear and exuberant. not hazy and thoughtless.

i remember times when i'd forget how i even traveled to and from destinations. finding myself suddenly sitting on a sofa, with people i didn't understand, and experiences i struggled relating to. not even really sure of what was happening.

and laughter...? yeah, i don't even know what happened there.

however, i won't linger long on what was forgotten, lost or misplaced. i won't dwell on the years i spent knowing what to do but being too frightened and 'comfortable' to do it.

because the focus is on what is now.

and now is so sexy and real.

laughter that comes without force. that doesn't end for the sake of ending, but hovers and brings warmth to your entire being. silliness that flows with the ease of what was intended to be natural. without pride or regrets.

tears--that are of a complete, passionate existence.

looking in the mirror and for the first time--in a damn long time--knowing exactly who that 5'2" blonde girl with the freckled cheeks really truly is.

yeah. that's what this whole living thing is supposed to feel like.

like i had always read. book after book. author after author.

but words just weren't enough for me. i'm a creature of emotion. of understanding.

i had to live it.

correction, i have to live it.

because honey, it's just beginning.