so, this is what it's supposed to feel like. eh?
i guess i had forgotten.
and without even realizing, i think it was lost. i'm not sure when or where. or how really.
maybe with losing myself. or with losing that sustenance of who i am as an individual and and the sense of belonging i couldn't seem to grasp. maybe it was allowing myself to be trapped for too long.
or maybe not.
whatever the reason, it was a solid facade.
kinda made a liar out of me. and i blame no one but myself. and because of that, it required me and only me to find my way out.
because this is what life is supposed to feel like.
smiles should never lose their depth and reality should be clear and exuberant. not hazy and thoughtless.
i remember times when i'd forget how i even traveled to and from destinations. finding myself suddenly sitting on a sofa, with people i didn't understand, and experiences i struggled relating to. not even really sure of what was happening.
and laughter...? yeah, i don't even know what happened there.
however, i won't linger long on what was forgotten, lost or misplaced. i won't dwell on the years i spent knowing what to do but being too frightened and 'comfortable' to do it.
because the focus is on what is now.
and now is so sexy and real.
laughter that comes without force. that doesn't end for the sake of ending, but hovers and brings warmth to your entire being. silliness that flows with the ease of what was intended to be natural. without pride or regrets.
tears--that are of a complete, passionate existence.
looking in the mirror and for the first time--in a damn long time--knowing exactly who that 5'2" blonde girl with the freckled cheeks really truly is.
yeah. that's what this whole living thing is supposed to feel like.
like i had always read. book after book. author after author.
but words just weren't enough for me. i'm a creature of emotion. of understanding.
i had to live it.
correction, i have to live it.
because honey, it's just beginning.