Tuesday, May 15, 2012

american studies.


months back i wrote this post.

the gist of it--i know what it feels like to have a broken heart.

ha, and right now you're sitting there thinking, 'no duh kris. we read your blog. that's no secret.'

tell us somethin' we don't know.

but yes, i do.

and they suck. sorry mr. birrell/miss wolsey (they made our entire sophomore american studies class commit to never using the "s" word again by filling out a sheet of 100 words that could be used to replace it.)

but suck is what broken hearts do.

they suck all the life, motivation, and faith right outta' ya.

and this past post expresses that even though i had yet to experience it, held onto the hope that one day--in some future life--that i dared only dream of--there would be that one.

after all the failed relationships. all the laughable attempts at love. all the shit that left you feeling helpless, insecure and lost.

yes, after all that. i knew that somehow, someday there would be that one. that game changer.

in my exact words...

it'll be that one time. when it won't fail. when you will fight. and he will fight. and you will fight for each other.


you'll come sprinting. you'll come knowing you're willing to give just about anything. you'll come in humility...ready to forgive and be forgiven. learning from your past mistakes, you'll come in eagerness. 


and for no reason at all--things will fall into place.




yes, shocking.

doesn't sound much like the me we all knew at that time. but nevertheless, that's what i wrote.




and even though i had no real evidentiary support, my heart told me it was the truth.

i guess i still believed in it all along.

even though i often preached against it--solely based off of my experience that had become the only truths i really knew. the truth that love all-to-often ended in hurt. and regularly left you lying in bed at night--wondering if that love would still exist tomorrow. wondering what game you'd be competing in tomorrow.


yeah.



but see, deep down i think i knew. one day. it wouldn't be a game. not a game at all in fact.

quite opposite.

somehow, deep down, i knew that one day it would just work. work in ways that i had never before experienced.and it would be so real, so genuine. almost sacred. to a point where games are not even considered. and for all of you doubting this--the ones out there getting there ass's kicked by another-ridiculous-one-sided relationship-- please listen.

don't settle. don't settle for anything less than crazy love. find reason in one another. and passion that comes natural with a ravenous desire to stay alive.

why? because it exists.

i promise.

you love him. he loves you. he respects every beautiful inch of you and you respect the hell out of him.

you'll go to bed at night, knowing he'd kill for you. knowing that he will be there for you in the morning, as devoted and as in love with you as he was the day before. 

he'll never hurt you.

and you'll find that your desires to make him happy are close-to-overwhelming.

yes, sweet girl. it exists.

just like my beautiful friend arica told me over our first dinner at one of the city's more pretentious and overpriced new-american restaurants...

"you'll meet someone kris. the right one. and i promise you, he'll make you forget about all those past experiences--the ones that are currently holding you back and distracting you. and no--he won't be able to wash them away from your past...but he will replace them with new, beautiful things that will create a special love that is uniquely for you two."

yes, words like that.

words that only god in heaven above could have placed in a more appropriate and timely manner. another testament to why certain people arrive in our lives when they do.

yes, all those words regarding the beauty of love. those things people had said to me in moments when i just could barely bare the pain anymore. the words that i'd scold at in the steam of darkened shower on those heartbroken nights....




like magic. they suddenly all hold so much meaning

it won't be a gamble.

don't listen to that unhappy man that tells you it will. because sure, there will be risk. always is. but not a gamble. no games. just trust and every reason in the world.




i remember--so many years ago--reading the words of elizabeth barrett browning (and again--shout out to mr. birrell and miss wolsey. a big thanks for all the intense hours of poetry reading our american studies class demanded from us)

her words read like an intimidating but captivating voice.

you're something between a dream and a miracle. 

they almost haunted me, they were so shocking, so romantic, and so crazy-ass passionate. more than anything---and i mean anything. i wanted that.

and from that moment on. i had no plans to ever settle for less.

no matter how many nights of dark-steamy-showers and friends re-run's the future held in-store for me.

that's what i wanted.





so here we are.

not ashamed to admit, i know most friends episodes from start to finish and can quote a good majority of them by heart.

i've mastered the art of taking dark, steamy, therapeutic showers. and have written numerous very-honest, sometimes harsh and slightly-bitchy blogposts on love in its prime and in its weakness.

i'm twenty-three measly years of rather-intense experience.




i never understood it. until now.





and you darling, are more of a dream than i could have ever dreamt of. and are more of an absolute miracle than i will ever deserve.


so send the dophins, baby. go right ahead. and listen to this song.