Friday, July 6, 2012

a delayed flight.

i'm saying it now. in hopes that i don't jinx myself. 

i plan on having a daughter.

and yes, like many females--i have a list of names that i believe will suit her well (and though i would not classify my list as 'trendy' or 'weird'--i do have some 'different' name selections that i'm very much in love with it).

and i won't deny the fact that i do have outfits from the zara toddler line that i dream of clothing her in, and already know i will love her with every ounce of devotion and possessiveness my 5'3" frame can hold.

and every now and again--on no particular day or time--walking downtown on sunny san francisco days, cuddled up on the sofa watching a tv fave, or while wandering down the hair supply aisle at target-- i think about this beautiful little creature of my future. 

her eyes will be strong. and determined. just like her dad's.

feminine and proud. like her mom.

she'll love fairytales and have a wild, ridiculous imagination. she'll dream of growing up, of moving to a city, becoming a designer or a teacher or a doctor or a dolphin trainer...and of falling hopelessly in love. 

and just like my parents did--i'll let her dream, but teach her to embrace and build-upon reality.

i pray she'll grow up slow. and that as she does, she'll be intelligent and have the savvy-street-smarts that her parents raised her to have.

yes, i think about her beautiful smile. and how protective her father will be as he waits up for her to return from her first prom.

and sometimes, i pray for her. especially on days when the world overwhelms me.

weird? maybe.

but i do. 

i think about things.

things that scare the hell out of me. things that piss off the feisty-woman inside of me (definitely get that from shell-bell) and things that i love--that bring me so much joy for her. 

and as i do, i allow my obsessive-compulsive-self to mentally keep a list.

a list. of so many, many things i want to teach her. that i'd like for her to know. 

things like--find a good hairstylist that you like and stick with them, always try to keep some midol and/or tylenol on hand at all times, allow yourself some dark chocolate on a daily basis (good for the soul) and never-ever-ever over pluck your eyebrows.

you know. just the basics of growing up female.

...allow yourself a good cry from time to time. don't be ashamed to go see a sappy love flick by yourself. shave your whole leg (not just the bottom half. pleeeease. yuck. i mean seriously, no one wants a sneak peak of your upper leg when it's in all-nat-u-ral mode) and one of the more important ones--find your best friends and keep them close. you'll want them around.


but more than that...

i want to teach her about how blessed she is to be a woman. i want her to never doubt in who she is, in what she is capable of, and in what she is worth. 

she will be beautiful. strong. sensitive. sarcastic. loving. 

and 100% her. 

there will--without fail--be moments, days, and even weeks when she'll feel inadequate. 

'the-prone-to-feel-inadequate" gene is somehow just a part of being female. yeah, it sucks. but whatev.

and i'm not going to pretend like my little girl will never experience such feelings. because there will be days, days of forgetting who she is--when she'll want to plaster on the make-up thicker, wear something just a little-bit-sluttier, and put on 'the act' that the boys seem to like. 

oh-do-i-hate 'the act'. and i can only pray that she will too.

because she'll have mornings when the mirror will tell her she's not skinny enough. nights when punk-ass boys will break her heart. and then there will be times when she'll break theirs. 

little heartbreaker. 

times when chemistry 101 will convince her she isn't smart enough. and when not making the varsity team or getting that one job she really wanted will pick away at her confidence.

and of course, my little girl will make mistakes. she'll be her mothers daughter--so yes, obviously she'll be learning by default at times--okay, a lot of the times.

perfection is not expected. experience will be bitter/sweet. and she'll be stronger for it. 

she'll learn, recoup and move forward. 

one day, she'll be sitting in an airport. headed home to see her family. and attend her sisters wedding.

it will be busy. her flight will be cancelled and delayed.

again and again.

she'll realize that twenty-four years of life have now passed on by. she'll understand and have accepted that many mistakes have been made and many more are yet to come...

by now she is starting to understand herself.

her beliefs. her values. the truth behind the facades of the world. what she will and will not compromise on. and what she desires of her future.

she knows the pains of loss. the sting of grief. and the ache of a broken heart.

and on the contrary--she'll know the joy found in true accomplishment, the gratitude taught from life experience, and the absolute heaven-on-earth-and-beyond-your-wildest-dreams-kind-of-happiness brought to this world by sincere, honest love.

realizing that all those childish dreams--dreams she had of moving to a city, having a career, hailing a cab in the rain, and finding someone to love forever--have already come true.

she'll hop on the plane.

and head across the open skies, towards the mountains and back to her home. to the place that founded this all.  to the ones that taught her to remain true to herself.

to be 100% her.

and never settle for anything less.

yes, that's what i want. for that beautiful little girl of my future...

i want her dreams to come true. 

exactly as mine have.

this post is for my parents. my little sister is getting married this next week. i can't help but think about what a stunning job they have done raising us kids. 

i love them. and can only pray that i will half of the loving, encouraging parents that they were to us.

love you guys.


  1. This was one of my favorite posts you have ever written. Absolutely beautiful.

  2. KRISTEN. You are so talented at writing. I love this so much!!!

  3. So glad I stumbled upon your blog today via Love You Longtime...


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